Chapter Four: Something Stupid
This Way Comes
(Both tribes are sitting in a clearing waiting to hear about the first
challenge. Sheila has the crew of "Survivor" tied up, gagged, and inside a bathroom because they found out that she stole
the job as the host and she didn't feel like going to mecha jail. She is now standing in front of the Tribes looking guilty)
Sheila: (sounds nervous) We're back, uh, with the first challenge.
Both Tribes are to compete in this for a special mystery surprise! The challenge is: both tribes must complete the obstacle
course through Haddonfield in this order: Go through Rabid Chipmunk Lands, then Hungry Cave [which is full of starving wolves],
then the Flesh Fair [yuck! I hate that hillbilly ho-down! Cow shit everywhere-
Lord Johnson-Johnson: Don't be dissing my Flesh Fair! It's me pride
and joy!
Sheila: Eeew! So it's your kid? That's disgusting!
Lord Johnson-Johnson: No! It's not my fucking kid! Mecha, I'd shut
the hell up if I was you! I'll put you through the Mecha Masher!
Sheila: (in a soft voice) Sick bastard. (in normal voice) Whichever
Tribe completes the obstacle course [which I named Spunky-
David: Why'd you name it Spunky?
Sheila: I like that name! Whichever tribe completes Spunky first-
Darlene: That's just wrong!
Sheila: What's wrong?
Darlene: Naming an obstacle course Spunky.
Sheila: Is not!
Darlene: Whatever.
Sheila: You're just jealous 'cause I'm the host and you're not! (acts
like a spoiled child)
Darlene: I take that back. That's not wrong. It's mentally deranged.
Sheila: (muttering) Damn mother fuckin' bastard retard stupid kid...
(stops muttering) I mean whichever tribe completes Spunky first, meaning everyone from that tribe finishing Spunky, wins the
mystery surprise!
Claudette: That didn't sound right.
Sheila: What?
Claudette: When you said "everyone from that tribe finishing Spunky."
It sounded just plain wrong.
Sheila: (stomps her foot like a spoiled child) Quit making fun of
Spunky!
Claudette: What, are you dating it or something?
Sheila: How'd she know?
Claudette: Sick freak. Since when did "Survivor" have a mentally
deranged host from hell?
Sheila: Don't make fun of my homeland!
Claudette: You mean you are from hell?
Sheila: NO! I'm from the land of the Singing Kangaroos and Dancing
Mice!
Claudette: Eeew! That's just as bad!
Sheila: Living dead!
Claudette: Dumb ass!
Sheila: Light-headed dummy!
Claudette: How'd she know I was high last night? (everyone stares)
What?
Sheila: Just do the fucking challenge! I'll argue with the Light-headed
dummy later. After I make the wedding arrangements for me and Spunky.
Claudette: Yeah, you go do that, after I kick your ass Spunky'll
be the one arranging for something.
David: And that would be?
Claudette: A funeral.
Prof. Hobby: (pulls notepad out of pocket to take notes on Claudette's
and Sheila's behavior) I had no idea that nanny mechas could threaten to kick someone's ass!
Monica: Quit taking notes on them!
Prof. Hobby: Why?
Monica: Give the mechas some privacy when it comes to threatening
someone, and arranging for a wedding with an obstacle course named Spunky!
Prof. Hobby: Screw you.
Monica: I heard that! (beats up Prof. Hobby. Egg falls out of the
sky. Monica stops kicking ass) Oh shit!
Gigolo Joe: What? (egg lands on his head) Ow. (falls over.) I see
your point.
Teddy: WHAT IS GOING ON???!!!!!!
Martin: "They're here."
Todd: Quit saying that!
Martin: Why?
Todd: It's annoying! (Chicken Person appears with Scar)
Claudette: What do you want?
Chicken Person: Mind your attitude.
Claudette: (sticks out tongue like a 5 year old would at their older
sibling)
Chicken Person: Keep acting like a jackass, and you'll be one.
Claudette: Don't turn me into a jackass! I'm not Lampwick! I'm Claudette!
David: You moron! I'm supposed to plead for my life!
Chicken Person: He's right.
Scar: Buttered Toast.
Claudette: No! He's wrong! Up yours! (flips off Chicken Person)
Chicken Person: What the hell?! Who taught her that?
Scar: (whistles) I... I... love chickens!
Chicken Person: Scar David Hens! I can't believe you taught her to
flip people off! (beats Scar in the head with a rolling pin.)
Scar: I agree!
Claudette: Chicken Person, will I win the money?
Chicken Person: I haven't a clue.
Claudette: Well, screw you!
Chicken Person: That's it. She got me really pissed off. She won't
like me when I'm pissed off. (snaps fingers. Claudette gets possessed by a ghost duck and jumps into the nearest pond)
Claudette: Quack! Quack!
Chicken Person: What. An. Idiot.
Henry: Why are you here?
Chicken Person: What do I look like? The author of this wrong story?
Henry: You are the author of this wrong story.
Chicken Person: Oh. I forgot.
Scar: I like duckies! (jumps into pond and acts like a duck) Quack!
Quack!
Martin: Chicken Person, I don't like Scar.
Chicken Person: Neither do I, he just refuses to quit stalking me.
Prof. Hobby: (still taking notes) Wow! Mechas are capable of acting
like ducks!
Chicken Person: Quit taking notes, you bum.
Prof. Hobby: I am not a bum!
Chicken Person: Oh yeah? Well, explain the sign that's behind you
that says "Spare change to buy shit for the mechas to fight over."
Prof. Hobby: I didn't write that!
Chicken Person: Oh. Then Duck Boy did.
Martin: (sees Claudette and Scar behaving like ducks) Eeew! They're
trying to lay eggs!
Chicken Person: Holy shit! (makes ghost duck get out of Claudette's
CPU.)
Claudette: What the heck happened? And why am I trying to lay eggs?
Darlene: A ghost duck possessed you.
Claudette: Did it possess Scar too?
Chicken Person: NO! He's just mentally deranged!
Prof. Hobby: Mechas trying to lay eggs! Fascinating! (takes notes)
Chicken Person: Note Boy, stop it.
Prof. Hobby: (realizes Chicken Person could make a ghost duck possess
him) Okay.
Chicken Person: This chapter's very wierd. I wonder if the rating
should go up.
David: Why would the rating go up?
Chicken Person: Naughty language. And lots of it. Also, mechas tryin'
to lay eggs.
Gigolo Jane: If I were you, I'd rate this story MD for Mentally Deranged.
Chicken Person: I'll consider it.
Martin: Turn someone into a toilet or a chicken or a frog or a matress!
Chicken Person: Okay. (turns Martin into a toilet)
Monica & Henry: You monster! You turned our son into a toilet!
Chicken Person: A toilet's your son?! Sick!
Henry: No! We're his parents!
Chicken Person: (turns Monica and Henry into toilets) Oh yeah. I
see the resemblence.
Scar: Can I be a kitchen sink?
Chicken Person: Why not? (turns Scar into a kitchen sink)
Martin: I didn't mean turn my toilet family into toilets!
David: I hear talking toilets.
Darlene: Me too.
Gigolo Jane: Change them back, hearing toilets talk is disturbing.
Chicken Person: You're absolutely right. (turns the Swintons back
to normal) What's even more disturbing is a kitchen sink that acts like a dog. (changes Scar the kitchen sink back to normal)
Tell me, Scar. What's it like having buttered toast for a CPU?
Scar: Mind over matter, my friend. Mind over matter.
Chicken Person: Scar, you need to go to a mental institute.
Scar: It wasn't me! I always put the seat down! (leaves with Chicken
Person)
Chicken Person: (from another world) Just do the friggin' challenge!
Todd: That was wierd.
Chapter Five: The First Challenge
(The Tribes are in front of the Rabid Chipmunk Lands.)
Sheila: On your mark... get set... HAMBURGERS!
Todd: Where?! (looks around)
Sheila: I said hamburgers! You're supposed to go through Spunky!
Chicken Person: (from another world) Sheila, maybe you should divorce
Spunky. This story's gettin' too wierd.
Sheila: Leave Spunky alone!
Chicken Person: Freak. Tribes, go just complete the dang obstacle
course.
Sheila: His name is Spunky!
Claudette: (sneezes) I'm sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
Chicken Person: Go through the damn obstacle course now, or I'll
turn all of you into mattresses.
David: I don't like chipmunks with rabies!
Martin: I can't believe you don't like them, Fiber Head.
David: Go to-
Teddy: Don't say it.
David: Why?
Teddy: Chicken Person is watching.
David: Good point.
(Orga tribe is running through field of chipmunks with rabies.)
Gigolo Joe: They're getting away! (points to Orga tribe who are almost
at Hungry Cave.)
Gigolo Jane: Let's go. Even though I despise chipmunks with rabies.
(mecha tribe start running through the chipmunks)
Teddy: David, you'll have to carry me!
David: Why?
Teddy: The chipmunks are biting me!
Claudette: They're biting everyone!
Darlene: Well no duh! (steps on chipmunk) Ow! It bit through my shoe!
David: (trying to beat the chipmunks off of Teddy) Get off of him,
you gay chipmunks!
Chipmunks: Grr! Grr!
David: (pulls chipmunks off of Teddy.) Gay chipmunks!
Teddy: I think I'll need a repair. The chipmunks almost bit off my
arm.
Darlene: Stupid Chipmunks! Go to hell! (kicks chipmunks in front
of her. Then steps on them)
Gigolo Joe: Chipmunks are wrong!
Claudette: And they bite! (pulls chipmunk off of her foot) When will
we get to Hungry Cave?
(meanwhile... Orga tribe is already in the Flesh Fair)
Lord Johnson-Johnson: Meet my life's work! (points to the hillbilly
ho-down that is called a Flesh Fair)
Todd: It looks disturbing.
Monica: Just keep running! I want the special surprise!
Prof. Hobby: Me too!
Henry: I want to get away from here! (everyone except Lord J-J stop
running and stare behind him.)
Lord Johnson-Johnson: What?
Martin: (points to escaped mecha from the pen at the Flesh Fair)
"They're here."
Lord Johnson-Johnson: Holy shit! How'd them Mechas get loose?!
Security Guard Mecha: Get him! (other mechas from the Flesh Fair
and the Security Guard tackle Lord J-J)
Lord Johnson-Johnson: Get the hell awf me, you Fiber Heads!
Monica: Keep moving, people! We can't let the mechas win!
Henry: What about Lord Johnson-Johnson?
Monica: Leave him! He'll escape!
Martin: Let's go! (Orga tribe except Lord J-J run to the finish line)
(with the chipmunk infested mecha tribe... They just arrived to
Hungry Cave.)
Gigolo Jane: It's not fair! Having to run through a field of rabid
chipmunks! It's wrong!
Claudette: To hell with the chipmunks. They can bite my ass for all
I care. (chipmunk bites her ass) I stand corrected.
David: (pulls chipmunks off of his arm) What if we get rabies?
Gigolo Joe: We can't get rabies! Only orga can get them!
Teddy: He's right, David. Only orga can get rabies.
Darlene: Are you sure? (points to Claudette, who is fighting with
some chipmunks)
Gigolo Jane: You can't be sure about that one.
David: We have a bigger problem than chipmunks now...
Darlene: What?
David: The hungry wolves. (wolves circle the mechas)
Gigolo Joe: Stay perfectly still...
Claudette: (wolf sniffs her leg) Get away! (kicks wolf)
Wolf: GRR! (gets into fight with Claudette)
Gigolo Jane: Claudette, you freaking lunatic! Never kick wild animals,
even if you are mecha!
Claudette: (throws wolf out of cave) Run like hell!
(mecha tribe starts running out of Hungry Cave and into the Flesh Fair)
Teddy: I'm going to vomit. (looks at pile of dead robots in Flesh Fair
arena)
Claudette: This place seems slightly familiar...
David: I hate this place! It's scary!
Darlene: Yeah, I've noticed. (stares at dead mecha)
Gigolo Jane: I'm glad I wasn't here before!
Gigolo Joe: I almost died here. And she did die here. (points to
Claudette)
David: What's happening over there? (points to some mechas stuffing
Lord Johnson-Johnson into a cannon)
Gigolo Jane: Maybe it's best if you don't ask about that.
Teddy: Uh huh.
Welder Mecha: Fire in the hole!
Claudette: Who's hole? (Lord Johnson-Johnson flies through the air)
I got it! I got it! (Lord Johnson Johnson lands on her)
Lord Johnson-Johnson: What the hell did I land on?
Teddy: You shouldn't have landed on her...
Lord Johsnon-Johnson: (counts the mecha tribe) Wait a minute! Where's
that phsyco nanny mecha? (gets launched into the air)
Claudette: I am NEVER going to catch flying objects AGAIN! (sees
her reflection in dead mecha skull. Looks accusingly at Lord J-J) You freak! You messed up my hair!
Lord Johnson-Johnson: Oh shit. (Claudette tackles him. Then ties
him up) Untie me you freak of nature!
David: We don't want to. (mecha tribe goes to the finish line)
Claudette: Did we win?
Sheila: Bitch. I mean, yes, Mecha Tribe, you won!
Mecha Tribe: (cheers)
Prof. Hobby: We were here first!
Sheila: Technically, the whole tribe has to cross the finish line
first in order to win, so Orgas, since Lord J-J didn't come back before the entire mecha tribe got here, you lose.
Todd: Screw you!
Sheila: Mecha Tribe has won... a Ford F-150! (mecha tribe jumps into
the F-150 and wrecks into everything. To Sheila's luck, Claudette is the one driving.)
Claudette: (laughs evilly)
Sheila: Holy shit! She's driving?!
David: Yep.
Sheila: (runs) Help! Help! Help!
Claudette: I like to drive! (runs over Sheila)
Sheila: Ow. (Now Teddy is driving.) Supertoys can't drive!
Teddy: Oh yeah? (runs over Sheila [again])
Sheila: Remember, I'm the secretary mecha from hell host who is handicapped
at the moment, and I'll see you some other time on "Survivor: Haddonfield". I need a vacation.
Chapter Six: Time To Vote Off!
Sheila: First the Mecha Tribe will vote off the suckiest member of their
tribe. (in a soft voice) I think it's Claudette.
Claudette: Shut up, you Shit Head!
Sheila: Light-headed dummy! (egg falls out of sky [again] and Chicken
Person & Scar appear once more)
Chicken Person: I've gotta see who gets voted off!
Scar: Me too!
Gigolo Joe: But you're the author! You will know who gets voted off!
Chicken Person: I know. I just wanted to see that person's reactions
to getting voted off. Hold up the cards that you write your votes on.
David: I'm going to get rid of Darlene. 'Cause I'm the only mecha
child. (holds up card with Darlene's name on it.)
Darlene: I kind of want to get voted off. These people are morons.
Especially... (holds up card with Claudette's name written on it) Claudette.
Scar: (holds up sign with "eggs" written on it. He has a dreamy expression
on his face.) Eggs... Eggs... I like eggs... Eggs...
Chicken Person: SCAR! You can't vote! (throws rock at Scar. He gets
knocked out) Besides, eggs isn't even a person.
Gigolo Joe: There's only room for one gigolo in this tribe. (holds
up card with Gigolo Jane's name on it)
Gigolo Jane: Darlene isn't like the rest of us. She's not wierd.
(holds up card with Darlene's name on it)
Chicken Person: I know I can't vote, but... (holds up sign that says,
"Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by idiots.")
Sheila: (holds up card that says "The Light-headed Dummy a.k.a Claudette")
Chicken Person: Sheila! You can't vote either!
Sheila: Crap!
Claudette: (holds up card that says "Shit Head" on it)
Chicken Person: We don't know who that is.
Claudette: (pulls marker out of thin air and x's out "Shit head"
and writes Sheila beside it. Then throws marker at Sheila)
Sheila: I'm not a shit head! And don't throw things at me!
Claudette: Whatever.
Teddy: (holds up card that says Darlene's name on it)
Chicken Person: I rest my case. (grabs votes from everyone.) Darlene,
sorry but, looks like you're goin' back to Cybertronics. Not to get destroyed, but to wait for a home.
Darlene: Yay! I get to get away from these wierdos and freaks! (gets
on plane to Cybertronics)
Chicken Person: Mecha tribe, go back to that shack that ya'll are
living in. I've got to deal with the Orga tribe now...
(mechas leave. orgas enter.)
Chicken Person: Write someone's name on a card blah blah blah; You
get the idea?
Orga Tribe: Yes.
Henry: (holds up card with Todd's name written on it) I finally get
revenge! Todd came over to our house and raided the fridge without anyone knowing!
Martin: (holds up card with Lord J-J's name on it) Even though I
didn't exactly like David, I'm ticked about Lord Johnson-Johnson trying to kill him.
Monica: (holds up card with Lord J-J's name on it) How could he try
to kill my stepson?!
Todd: (holds up card with Henry's name on it written in taco sauce)
He caught me tryin' to raid the fridge!
Chicken Person: Where the heck did you get that taco sauce?
Todd: Scar gave it to me.
Chicken Person: That's not surprising.
Scar: Tacos! Get your free tacos! (sits at card board taco stand
that he built)
Prof. Hobby: (holds up card with Lord Johnson Johnson written on
it in fancy letters) I HATE that mecha masher!
Lord Johnson-Johnson: (holds up card with Prof. Hobby's name on it.
The name is written in pink crayon in a 5-year-old's hand writing.) He's the reason for all of these mecha monsters!
Chicken Person: (sees the pink crayon and sloppy hand writing on
Lord J-J's card) Won't ask.
Scar: (pours taco sauce in a large bucket)
Chicken Person: (grabs a taco from Scar's taco stand and inspects
it before eating it) No tricks, right?
Scar: Right!
Chicken Person: If you kill me, I'll haunt you when I come back as
a ghost. You know that, right? (Scar nods) (Chicken Person takes bite of Scar's taco) Not bad.
Scar: Chickens.
Chicken Person: (sees votes) Yay! Lord J-J's goin' to a phsych ward!
Lord Johnson-Johnson: What does that mean?
Chicken Person: You got voted off! (Sees Scar holding bucket of what
appears to be acid over Lord J-J's head) What the hell are you tryin' to do?!
Scar: (laughs like a maniac) Taco Sauce Bath! (dumps taco sauce on
Lord J-J ^_^. Then phsych ward guys come to take Lord J-J away!)
Chicken Person: No more Lord Johnson Johnson!!!!!!!
Scar: Ding Dong the Wicked Bitch is soaked in Taco Sauce!
Chicken Person: Orga tribe, go back to your shelter! (disappears
with Scar)
Sheila: I'll see you next time on "Survivor: Haddonfield"! Next a
new challenge! (mutters) Sure to get rid of the Light-headed dummy...
Chapter Seven: Scar Hens and the Hornet's
Nests of Pain
Sheila: Guess what? I just got done with the wedding arrangements
for me and Spunky!
David: NOBODY CARES!
Gigolo Joe: Who wants to take bets on how long Sheila and Spunky
will stay married?!
Gigolo Jane: I'll give them a year.
David: I'll give them six months.
Teddy: I'll give them a week.
Claudette: I'll give them 10minutes. (egg falls out of the sky [again]
and lands on Sheila's head)
Sheila: I've got the yolk on me!
Claudette: (laughs. Stops laughing when egg falls on her head) Hey!
(Chicken Person appears standing beside David)
Chicken Person: You all won't believe this, but, Scar actually cooks
good food!
Scar: (screams like the squirrel on "Ice Age" as he falls out of
sky)
Chicken Person: But his teleportation skills are shit when he's on
his own. (Scar lands in a hornet's nest)
Scar: Ow! Get off me! Damn bees! Ow! Fuck you! Get away! (falls out
of tree) I'm free! (Hornet nest falls out of tree and lands on Scar's head) Oh. Shit.
Gigolo Joe: SCAR! How stupid are you?!
Scar: I smell honey!
Teddy: Scar, hornets don't make honey; what you smell is wax.
Scar: How sick are these gay bees?! They eat wax?! Sick little bastards.
(finally pulls hornet's nest off of his head. Throws it in the air) That's better.
Claudette: Scar is not very bright. That is true. (hornet's nest
falls on her head) HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sheila: (laughs so hard she nearly gets sick) I... can't... artificially....
breathe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Claudette: Help! (walks around trying desperately to get the hornet
nest off of her head) Shit!
Chicken Person: Scar, you're an accident waiting to happen, aren't
you?
Claudette: (finally gets nest off her head) Ow. (sees Sheila, smiles,
and throws nest at her) We're playin' Dodge-Nest!
Sheila: That's nice... (nest hits her in the face) BLOODY HELL!!!!!!!!!!!
(orga tribe comes)
Prof. Hobby: What the hell's going on?!
Chicken Person: Scar landed in a hornet's nest, and threw it at Claudette,
who threw it at Sheila, who is now cursing.
Sheila: Spunky! Spunky, get it off me! Spunky, help! (Pulls nest
off of her head and throws it at Claudette. Claudette ducks and instead, the nest hits Scar in the ass)
Scar: HOLY CHICKENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've got bees
in my pants!!!!
Chicken Person: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, Scar, we really needed that
information!
Scar: (pulls nest out of his pants and throws it at random people.)
I HATE bees! (nest hits Todd in the face. Scar laughs)
Todd: Mommy! I got stung! (cries and gets on a plane to his mommy's
house, after he throws the nest at David)
Chicken Person: No more Todd... DAVID! LOOK OUT!!!!!!!
David: Help. Me. (nest hits him in the chest) Bees are in my shirt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(throws nest. It hits Gigolo Joe)
Gigolo Joe: IT CERTAINLY WAS MY GOOD FORTUNE RUNNING INTO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(backs up into a bigger hornet's nest that is in the ground) SHIT! (throws nest at Martin. Martin catches it and throws it.
It hits Chicken Person)
Chicken Person: WHO THE HELL THREW THAT FUCKING THING AT ME?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(pulls it off of her head and throws it at Martin)
Martin: Here, Mecha! (throws it at Gigolo Jane) Ow.
Gigolo Jane: (screams when nest hits her in the head) DAMN! (throws
nest at Monica)
Monica: SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!! (throws nest at Henry.)
Henry: (Throws nest at Gigolo Joe, who jus climbed out of the bigger
nest)
Gigolo Joe: Why me?! (gets hit in the face) SHIT! (throws nest at
Prof. Hobby)
Prof. Hobby: Oh, boy! (catches nest, then throws it to Chicken Person)
Chicken Person: (catches nest and throws it into the swamp)
Thank God.
