The "A.I.: Artificial Intelligence" Fanfiction Online Anthology

Ref Recommends
The Greatest "A.I." Fanfic
David: Special and Unique
Teddy: A Child's Companion
Monica: A Mother's Love
Henry Swinton: A Man of Good Intent
Martin Swinton: Sibling Rival
The Swinton Family
Gigolo Joe: Love Machine...
Gigolo Jane: "How's the Game"
Dr. Hobby: "The Visionary"
A Love of Your Own: David's Siblings
Many Faces, Many Visions
Evan Chan and Company
Where The Lions Weep
"A.I." Crossovers: Entwined in Other Realms
A Mecha-Child's Garden of Verses
Comedy Night at the Shangri-La Hotel
A-F.I: Arti-Filk-tial Intelligence
A.I.: Artificial InterActive
Mecha Elders: Aldiss, Kubrick & Spielberg
Fictions of the Future
Links and Connections
Updates and Upgrades
Survivor: Haddonfield


WARNING!!!!!        WARNING!!!!!!!!         WARNING!!!!!       WARNING!!!!!       WARNING!!!!!!!!! 


Author's Note: 


If you don't really care much for crazy, goofy stories, read no further. I'm warning you now, the characters are a tad messed-up (other than Lord Johnson-Johnson, he's been messed up since he started torturing Mechas. If you don't really like Scar David Hens (a mecha child character that appears in some of my other fanfics) then do not read this story, because he appears several times in it. If you're a Gigolo Joe fan, no worries- he's in this story! In case you're wondering, none of the Mecha in this story get hurt, but I can't promise you that they won't do insane things; for example: David wanting to look like "The Terminator", Sheila (Prof. Hobby's assistant Mecha) thinking that she's a famous TV show host, or the nanny mecha running into everything. Since there isn't any fanfics about Todd (Martin's friend) I put him in this story; and since there isn't many fanfics about the nanny mecha or Darlene, I also put them in this story. This fanfic's for you if you enjoy a little twisted humor! So without further ado, "Survivor: Haddonfield"!

Survivor: Haddonfield
by "Chicken Person"

 Chapter One: Mecha Tribe & Orga Tribe

(The forest in Haddonfield is full of an assortment of Orga and Mecha. It is a starry night. Prof. Hobby's secretary Mecha, Sheila is standing still with a microphone in her hand)

Sheila: This time on Survivor: I will be the host! And there will be twelve contestants: Six Mechas, six Orgas. They will compete for $10,000 and a trip to what is left of Australia! For Orga Tribe, we have (lights shine on woman with dark hair who appears to be upset about something) Monica Swinton [a.k.a "The Imprinter"-]

Monica: I heard that!

Sheila: No need for the attitude! As I was saying before I was so rudely interupted; For Orga Tribe, we have Monica Swinton, (lights shine on a man who looks like he's mad at something) Henry Swinton-

Audience: Boo!

Henry: Not me! You're supposed to boo at him! (points to Lord Johnson-Johnson)

Sheila: Shut up, people! Also for Orga Tribe, Martin Swinton! Now you people can do whatever. (lights shine on boy with brown hair and brown eyes)
Audience: Boo!

Some girls in the audience: Yay! I love you Martin!

Martin: Okaay.

Sheila: Professor Allen Hobby! The Visionary! (lights shine on man wearing lab coat)

Mecha Tribe: (whistles and cheers) Yay!

Sheila: Todd. (gags) Martin's friend! (coughs. lights shine on large boy)

Todd: Sup. (Girls in the audience don't do anything) Screw you people!

Audience: Boo! You suck! How dare you hurt David and Martin! (throws popcorn at Todd)

Sheila: Hey! Hey! Stupid people! Calm down, or I'll behave like a Terminator! (audience is totally silent) And last and certainly least, Lord Johnson-Johnson.

Audience: BOO! (lights shine on large man wearing a black hat)

Sheila: For Mecha Tribe we have David Swinton! (audience goes wild as lights shine on boy with blond hair and blue eyes) Everyone's favorite silicon hottie, Gigolo Joe! (girls in the audience go wild as light shines on man with slick black hair who is wearing a leather jacket) Gigolo Jane! (lights shine on woman with black hair who is wearing a tight black set of clothing and boys in the audience go wild) The bear everyone loves- Teddy! (audience goes wild [again] as lights shine on a little brown supertoy) Darlene! (light shines on girl with blond hair and blue eyes and audience goes wild) And who was presumed dead, but actually got away somehow, Claudette- the Mecha Nanny! (lights shine on a nanny mecha who was repaired by Prof. Hobby and audience cheers)

Lord Johnson-Johnson: Hey! I thought I had you burnt to death!

Claudette: Yeah, me too; but I got away somehow that I am not aware of. (The author, Chicken Person appears out of nowhere) Who the hell are you?

Chicken Person: I'm Chicken Person a.k.a the author of this messed up story. Claudette, you're really just a different nanny mecha who happens to have the same CPU as the dead one. Lord Johnson-Johnson, I think you're annoying.

Lord Johnson-Johnson: Why you little! (Chicken Person laughs evily)

Chicken Person: I would watch your actions, Mecha Masher. Because I have absolute power! Since I am the author, I could make Claudette and David get rabies somehow and "accidently" kill you; I could make Todd obsessed with pork chops; and I could put Scar Hens in this story to make sure that you don't harm any mechas. (picks up Teddy and pets him)

Lord Johnson-Johnson: Who's Scar Hens? (Scar Hens: a boy with black hair, blue eyes and glasses appears out of nowhere holding a machine gun)

Scar: I am Scar Hens! (laughs like a maniac)

Claudette: Does he know that he's not supposed to play with guns?

Chicken Person: No. Not really. The poor thing was once a mecha child, but he turned into a pyromaniac for no particular reason. Now, he's just evil.

Scar: Buttered Toast! (points gun at Lord Johnson Johnson) Nobody move! (laughs evilly)

David: What's up with the terminator kid?

Chicken Person: Scar Hens! Did you drink the ten cans of Expresso that my step mom had in the kitchen?!

Scar: Yep!

Chicken Person: Scar! (finds rubber chicken in her pocket) See the chicken, boy?! (Scar sees rubber chicken and he goes nuts)

Scar: Mine! Mine! Mine!

Chicken Person: If ya want the chicken, ya gotta get the hell out of this fanfic and follow me, alright?

Scar: Yeah! Uh huh! I love chickens! (disapears with Chicken Person)

Darlene: Prof. Hobby, did you create him?

Prof. Hobby: Yeah. I did in one of Chicken Person's other fanfics.

Sheila: Now the Tribes must find shelter! I'm the host, Sheila and I'll see you some other time on Survivor: Haddonfield!

 Chapter Two: Mecha Tribe Seeks Shelter/Chicken Person Returns

(Mecha Tribe are walking around Haddonfield trying to find shelter. They find a shantytown)

David: (with everyone else behind him) We're going this way now.

Gigalo Joe: We can go to Rouge City! (Chicken Person apppears again)

Chicken Person: No ya can't.

Gigalo Joe: Says who?

Chicken Person: Him. (points to Scar, who was standing beside her all the time, holding a rubber chicken)

David: Yeah, lets visit Dr. Know!

Darlene: Who's he?

David: A friend of mine!

Teddy: (suddenly falls in a hole) Ow.

Gigalo Jane: (picks up Teddy) Well, uh, Scar, can we go to Rouge City?

Scar: (his back is facing the Mechas and the Almighty Chicken Person, while he drinks Expresso) Eggs.

Darlene: (whispers to Claudette) He's not very bright, is he?

Claudette: (whispers back) I don't think so.

Chicken Person: Scar David Hens! (slaps him in the back of the head) Quit drinking that Expresso! Now!

Scar: But I like Expresso! It's good! (Chicken Person and Scar start fighting over a whole box of Expresso) Gimme!

Chicken Person: NO! You don't need Expresso!

Scar: Yes I do!

Darlene: Why?

Scar: 'Cause I say so! I must have Expresso!

Chicken Person: You do not need it!

Scar: Okay, it, but I need it!

Chicken Person: No you don't! (Scar runs off with the Expresso) Dammit!

Gigalo Joe: What was all that about?

Chicken Person: He likes Expresso.

Claudette: Why?

Chicken Person: I have no clue.

Scar: I got the Expresso! (foot gets caught in rope, and he gets hung upside down. Everything falls out of the pockets in his jacket)

Gigalo Jane: That surprised me!

Chicken Person: Yeah, me too. I thought that he had more than that in there. Scar, didn't you also have a disco ball?

Scar: Yeah, but Lord Johnson-Johnson stole it.

David: Really?

Scar: Yep. Death to Lord J-J!

Teddy: Why would Scar carry a disco ball around with him?

Chicken Person: I guess the Expresso must have made Scar extremely stupid, like he's malfunctioning or something like that. (Scar sees a chicken and grabs it)

Claudette: Scar, why do you carry everything around with you?

Scar: (mumbles. his mouth is closed, like he's hiding something.)

Claudette: I can't hear you.

Scar: (continues mumbling, with a guilty expression on his face)

Claudette: What?

Chicken Person: (slaps Scar in the back of the head, making his mouth open. The chicken he grabbed earlier is standing on his tongue) Eeew! SCAR!

Scar: (chicken flies away) But I love chickens!

Teddy: Yes, Scar, we know.

Chicken Person: I used to think Scar was a really down-to-earth character; now I just think he's a sick freak.

David: (sees "Terminator" sunglasses in the pile of junk from Scar.) Scar, how much for the sunglasses?

Scar: Three chickens.

David: I don't have three chickens.

Scar: No sunglasses for little David then.

David: I will give you 50 Newbucks!

Scar: A dozen eggs, then.

David: I'll give you 10 Newbucks!

Scar: No eggs for me? Then a goat!

David: What?!

Scar: Perhaps you heard me wrong. I said a goat.

David: 100 Newbucks then! Take it or leave it!

Chicken Person: Scar, where exactly did you get them sunglasses?

Scar: I went to LA and got them from Arnold S.

Chicken Person: Did he give them to you? Or did you take them?

Scar: I took them. (Chicken Person unties Scar's foot from the rope, and he falls in pile of junk.)

Chicken Person: Scar, open your mouth.

Scar: Why?

Chicken Person: 'Cause I said so!

Scar: Why?

Chicken Person: 'Cause you're annoying!

Scar: Why?

Chicken Person: 'Cause you're stupid!

Scar: Why?

Mecha Tribe: Shut up!

Scar: Okay. (Chicken Person hits button inside Scar's mouth and turns him off. His faceplate opens, revealing his mechanical skull. Chicken Person grabs his CPU and puts it in her pocket, then she smiles evilly.)

Gigolo Joe: Why'd you do that to him?

Chicken Person: He's a hazard to his own health. And he's also a hazard to everyone around him. Loveable though. (disappears with Scar)

Darlene: That was weird.

Claudette: (sees an old shack and runs towards the entrance to it.) I found a place to stay! (runs right into the door; it was closed and painted black) Ow. (falls backwards)

Gigalo Jane: Who would paint a door to an old forgotten shack black?

Gigalo Joe: To make unsuspecting Mecha run into things. (points at Claudette who is walking around cursing)

Claudette: (sees shack that she ran into) Attack the shack! (charges into it again and starts beating it with her fists, doing no damage)

Gigalo Joe: Remind me to tell Prof. Hobby to scan her memory cube when this is all over.

David: Why not? She's obviously lost her mind.

Darlene: What if Claudette caught the stupid from Scar?

Teddy: Could be.

Gigolo Jane: If she did, we should keep her away from us. (all the mecha with the exception of Claudette run into the shack. Jane comes out and drags Claudette into the shack)

Claudette: Thanks for letting me in.

Jane: Whatever. (David walks threatingly towards Claudette holding a rope.)

Claudette: What's up with the rope?

David: We don't want to catch Scar's Idiot Disease from you, so we're going to tie you up.

Claudette: I don't have Idiot Disease!

Darlene: But still... This rope can't just go to waste.

Claudette: Tie up Scar next time he appears out of nowhere!

Teddy: Okay! That child needs to see a Machine Psychologist!
 Chapter Three: A Hunting We Will Go/Trading With Scar
(Orga Tribe has already found shelter. Now they are searching for food.)

Lord Johnson-Johnson: This way! (everyone else is following him)

Monica: You stupid pest! We've been following you all afternoon and we still haven't found any food!

Martin: Yeah, all we ever did find was that mental Scar Hens kid. That's not good.

Todd: He's stupid! He was screaming about chicken wings the last time I saw him!

Henry: He must have chicken wings with him then!

Prof. Hobby: We must find Scar! He will give us food!

Lord Johnson-Johnson: (pulls a knife out of his pocket) A hunting we will go!

Henry: Hunting?

Lord Johnson-Johnson: Mecha Hunting! (laughs evilly)

Monica: (gasps, beats Lord J-J in the head with a stick) Don't hurt David! Or Darlene!

Prof. Hobby: Or any other Mecha!

Lord Johnson-Johnson: No! Not them! Scar Hens! We hunt the annoying little pest and steal food from him!

Martin: But, we all saw him with the machine gun! He's a mini-terminator!

Todd: Yeah. If we get him mad, he could make Judgement Day happen!

Henry: Oh for cryin' out loud! Judgement Day is just a movie! From the 1990's! It's not like Scar will walk the earth in a few years killing people!

Prof. Hobby: He could be dangerous. But if he keeps drinking Expresso, he'll be too stupid and hyper to do anything. (An egg falls out of the sky.)

Monica: Oh, crap. (looks at the egg. Chicken Person and Scar appear standing next to the egg.)

Martin: "They're here."

Lord Johnson-Johnson: Uh, wrong movie.

Martin: What?

Lord Johnson-Johnson: You're thinking of "Poltergeist". We're in the movie "A.I."

Martin: Big deal! They were both directed by Steven Spielburg!

Lord Johnson-Johnson: I see your point.

Chicken Person: I see you want food from my demon creation. (points to Scar who is petting a chicken)

Scar: Good chicken. Nice chicken...

Chicken Person: Scar! (smacks him. Chicken flies away.) In order to get food from him, you must trade for it.

Henry: Fine.

Chicken Person: But you must require Scar's "needs" in order to trade with him.

Monica: (sees Scar eating a turkey leg) Scar, can we have that turkey leg?

Scar: No.

Monica: Please?

Scar: No. Unless you trade for it.

Monica: What will I have to trade?

Scar: I would like a dozen eggs.

Monica: What?!

Scar: You heard me.

Monica: (sees chicken nest and grabs 12 eggs.) Here.

Scar: Okay. (gives Monica the turkey leg)

Prof. Hobby: Scar, can we also have that pizza? (points to pizza laying at Scar's feet.)

Scar: And I get what in return?

Prof. Hobby: I'll give you... Sheila! (Sheila appears out of nowhere.)

Sheila: What?! But I'm your secretary mecha!

Scar: I'd love to have a secretary! She could organize my chicken posters and my egg collection!

Sheila: But I'm the host of this show!

Prof. Hobby: Not anymore. (gives adoption papers to Scar.)

Scar: I can't read.

Chicken Person: And why not?

Scar: My glasses are gone.

Chicken Person: Why?

Scar: I ate them.

Chicken Person: Why did you eat your glasses?!

Scar: I was hungry.

Chicken Person: You're always hungry!

Scar: I made them into a casserole.

Chicken Person: Well screw you!

Scar: Thanks.

Chicken Person: That's not a complement!

Scar: It isn't?

Sheila: You don't want me anyways! I'm annoying sometimes!

Prof. Hobby: Damn! I thought the torture from the annoying secretary mecha from hell would end if I tried to get rid of her!

Sheila: You can't get rid of me!

Prof. Hobby: You're right. (looks at Chicken Person) Sheila's like a cockroach. You can't get rid of her no matter what. Scar, instead I'll give you 100 Newbucks.

Scar: (eyes turn into dollar signs) In that case, the pizza's all yours!  (snatches money from Prof. Hobby and counts it)

Chicken Person: (throws a crate of soda pop on the ground.) Take the soda pop! Scar, your trades are gettin' a little wierd, so we're leaving!

Scar: Okay! (disappears with Chicken Person. Orga Tribe eats there food.)

Sheila: And remember people, I'm the annoying secretary mecha from hell host and I'll see you next time on Survivor: Haddonfield! Next time the tribes will compete in the first challenge!

 Chapter Four: Something Stupid This Way Comes
(Both tribes are sitting in a clearing waiting to hear about the first challenge. Sheila has the crew of "Survivor" tied up, gagged, and inside a bathroom because they found out that she stole the job as the host and she didn't feel like going to mecha jail. She is now standing in front of the Tribes looking guilty)

Sheila: (sounds nervous) We're back, uh, with the first challenge. Both Tribes are to compete in this for a special mystery surprise! The challenge is: both tribes must complete the obstacle course through Haddonfield in this order: Go through Rabid Chipmunk Lands, then Hungry Cave [which is full of starving wolves], then the Flesh Fair [yuck! I hate that hillbilly ho-down! Cow shit everywhere-

Lord Johnson-Johnson: Don't be dissing my Flesh Fair! It's me pride and joy!

Sheila: Eeew! So it's your kid? That's disgusting!

Lord Johnson-Johnson: No! It's not my fucking kid! Mecha, I'd shut the hell up if I was you! I'll put you through the Mecha Masher!

Sheila: (in a soft voice) Sick bastard. (in normal voice) Whichever Tribe completes the obstacle course [which I named Spunky-
David: Why'd you name it Spunky?

Sheila: I like that name! Whichever tribe completes Spunky first-

Darlene: That's just wrong!

Sheila: What's wrong?

Darlene: Naming an obstacle course Spunky.

Sheila: Is not!

Darlene: Whatever.

Sheila: You're just jealous 'cause I'm the host and you're not! (acts like a spoiled child)

Darlene: I take that back. That's not wrong. It's mentally deranged.

Sheila: (muttering) Damn mother fuckin' bastard retard stupid kid... (stops muttering) I mean whichever tribe completes Spunky first, meaning everyone from that tribe finishing Spunky, wins the mystery surprise!

Claudette: That didn't sound right.

Sheila: What?

Claudette: When you said "everyone from that tribe finishing Spunky." It sounded just plain wrong.

Sheila: (stomps her foot like a spoiled child) Quit making fun of Spunky!

Claudette: What, are you dating it or something?

Sheila: How'd she know?

Claudette: Sick freak. Since when did "Survivor" have a mentally deranged host from hell?

Sheila: Don't make fun of my homeland!

Claudette: You mean you are from hell?

Sheila: NO! I'm from the land of the Singing Kangaroos and Dancing Mice!

Claudette: Eeew! That's just as bad!

Sheila: Living dead!

Claudette: Dumb ass!

Sheila: Light-headed dummy!

Claudette: How'd she know I was high last night? (everyone stares) What?

Sheila: Just do the fucking challenge! I'll argue with the Light-headed dummy later. After I make the wedding arrangements for me and Spunky.

Claudette: Yeah, you go do that, after I kick your ass Spunky'll be the one arranging for something.

David: And that would be?

Claudette: A funeral.

Prof. Hobby: (pulls notepad out of pocket to take notes on Claudette's and Sheila's behavior) I had no idea that nanny mechas could threaten to kick someone's ass!

Monica: Quit taking notes on them!

Prof. Hobby: Why?

Monica: Give the mechas some privacy when it comes to threatening someone, and arranging for a wedding with an obstacle course named Spunky!

Prof. Hobby: Screw you.

Monica: I heard that! (beats up Prof. Hobby. Egg falls out of the sky. Monica stops kicking ass) Oh shit!

Gigolo Joe: What? (egg lands on his head) Ow. (falls over.) I see your point.

Teddy: WHAT IS GOING ON???!!!!!!

Martin: "They're here."

Todd: Quit saying that!

Martin: Why?

Todd: It's annoying! (Chicken Person appears with Scar)

Claudette: What do you want?

Chicken Person: Mind your attitude.

Claudette: (sticks out tongue like a 5 year old would at their older sibling)

Chicken Person: Keep acting like a jackass, and you'll be one.

Claudette: Don't turn me into a jackass! I'm not Lampwick! I'm Claudette!

David: You moron! I'm supposed to plead for my life!

Chicken Person: He's right.

Scar: Buttered Toast.

Claudette: No! He's wrong! Up yours! (flips off Chicken Person)

Chicken Person: What the hell?! Who taught her that?

Scar: (whistles) I... I... love chickens!

Chicken Person: Scar David Hens! I can't believe you taught her to flip people off! (beats Scar in the head with a rolling pin.)

Scar: I agree!

Claudette: Chicken Person, will I win the money?

Chicken Person: I haven't a clue.

Claudette: Well, screw you!

Chicken Person: That's it. She got me really pissed off. She won't like me when I'm pissed off. (snaps fingers. Claudette gets possessed by a ghost duck and jumps into the nearest pond)

Claudette: Quack! Quack!

Chicken Person: What. An. Idiot.

Henry: Why are you here?

Chicken Person: What do I look like? The author of this wrong story?

Henry: You are the author of this wrong story.

Chicken Person: Oh. I forgot.

Scar: I like duckies! (jumps into pond and acts like a duck) Quack! Quack!

Martin: Chicken Person, I don't like Scar.

Chicken Person: Neither do I, he just refuses to quit stalking me.

Prof. Hobby: (still taking notes) Wow! Mechas are capable of acting like ducks!

Chicken Person: Quit taking notes, you bum.

Prof. Hobby: I am not a bum!

Chicken Person: Oh yeah? Well, explain the sign that's behind you that says "Spare change to buy shit for the mechas to fight over."

Prof. Hobby: I didn't write that!

Chicken Person: Oh. Then Duck Boy did.

Martin: (sees Claudette and Scar behaving like ducks) Eeew! They're trying to lay eggs!

Chicken Person: Holy shit! (makes ghost duck get out of Claudette's CPU.)

Claudette: What the heck happened? And why am I trying to lay eggs?

Darlene: A ghost duck possessed you.

Claudette: Did it possess Scar too?

Chicken Person: NO! He's just mentally deranged!

Prof. Hobby: Mechas trying to lay eggs! Fascinating! (takes notes)

Chicken Person: Note Boy, stop it.

Prof. Hobby: (realizes Chicken Person could make a ghost duck possess him) Okay.

Chicken Person: This chapter's very wierd. I wonder if the rating should go up.

David: Why would the rating go up?

Chicken Person: Naughty language. And lots of it. Also, mechas tryin' to lay eggs.

Gigolo Jane: If I were you, I'd rate this story MD for Mentally Deranged.

Chicken Person: I'll consider it.

Martin: Turn someone into a toilet or a chicken or a frog or a matress!

Chicken Person: Okay. (turns Martin into a toilet)

Monica & Henry: You monster! You turned our son into a toilet!

Chicken Person: A toilet's your son?! Sick!

Henry: No! We're his parents!

Chicken Person: (turns Monica and Henry into toilets) Oh yeah. I see the resemblence.

Scar: Can I be a kitchen sink?

Chicken Person: Why not? (turns Scar into a kitchen sink)

Martin: I didn't mean turn my toilet family into toilets!

David: I hear talking toilets.

Darlene: Me too.

Gigolo Jane: Change them back, hearing toilets talk is disturbing.

Chicken Person: You're absolutely right. (turns the Swintons back to normal) What's even more disturbing is a kitchen sink that acts like a dog. (changes Scar the kitchen sink back to normal) Tell me, Scar. What's it like having buttered toast for a CPU?

Scar: Mind over matter, my friend. Mind over matter.

Chicken Person: Scar, you need to go to a mental institute.

Scar: It wasn't me! I always put the seat down! (leaves with Chicken Person)

Chicken Person: (from another world) Just do the friggin' challenge!

Todd: That was wierd.

 Chapter Five: The First Challenge

(The Tribes are in front of the Rabid Chipmunk Lands.)

Sheila: On your mark... get set... HAMBURGERS!

Todd: Where?! (looks around)

Sheila: I said hamburgers! You're supposed to go through Spunky!

Chicken Person: (from another world) Sheila, maybe you should divorce Spunky. This story's gettin' too wierd.

Sheila: Leave Spunky alone!

Chicken Person: Freak. Tribes, go just complete the dang obstacle course.

Sheila: His name is Spunky!

Claudette: (sneezes) I'm sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

Chicken Person: Go through the damn obstacle course now, or I'll turn all of you into mattresses.

David: I don't like chipmunks with rabies!

Martin: I can't believe you don't like them, Fiber Head.

David: Go to-

Teddy: Don't say it.

David: Why?

Teddy: Chicken Person is watching.

David: Good point. 
(Orga tribe is running through field of chipmunks with rabies.)

Gigolo Joe: They're getting away! (points to Orga tribe who are almost at Hungry Cave.)

Gigolo Jane: Let's go. Even though I despise chipmunks with rabies. (mecha tribe start running through the chipmunks)

Teddy: David, you'll have to carry me!

David: Why?

Teddy: The chipmunks are biting me!

Claudette: They're biting everyone!

Darlene: Well no duh! (steps on chipmunk) Ow! It bit through my shoe!

David: (trying to beat the chipmunks off of Teddy) Get off of him, you gay chipmunks!

Chipmunks: Grr! Grr!

David: (pulls chipmunks off of Teddy.) Gay chipmunks!

Teddy: I think I'll need a repair. The chipmunks almost bit off my arm.

Darlene: Stupid Chipmunks! Go to hell! (kicks chipmunks in front of her. Then steps on them)

Gigolo Joe: Chipmunks are wrong!

Claudette: And they bite! (pulls chipmunk off of her foot) When will we get to Hungry Cave?
(meanwhile... Orga tribe is already in the Flesh Fair)

Lord Johnson-Johnson: Meet my life's work! (points to the hillbilly ho-down that is called a Flesh Fair)

Todd: It looks disturbing.

Monica: Just keep running! I want the special surprise!

Prof. Hobby: Me too!

Henry: I want to get away from here! (everyone except Lord J-J stop running and stare behind him.)

Lord Johnson-Johnson: What?

Martin: (points to escaped mecha from the pen at the Flesh Fair) "They're here."

Lord Johnson-Johnson: Holy shit! How'd them Mechas get loose?!

Security Guard Mecha: Get him! (other mechas from the Flesh Fair and the Security Guard tackle Lord J-J)

Lord Johnson-Johnson: Get the hell awf me, you Fiber Heads!

Monica: Keep moving, people! We can't let the mechas win!

Henry: What about Lord Johnson-Johnson?

Monica: Leave him! He'll escape!

Martin: Let's go! (Orga tribe except Lord J-J run to the finish line)
 (with the chipmunk infested mecha tribe... They just arrived to Hungry Cave.)

Gigolo Jane: It's not fair! Having to run through a field of rabid chipmunks! It's wrong!

Claudette: To hell with the chipmunks. They can bite my ass for all I care. (chipmunk bites her ass) I stand corrected.

David: (pulls chipmunks off of his arm) What if we get rabies?

Gigolo Joe: We can't get rabies! Only orga can get them!

Teddy: He's right, David. Only orga can get rabies.

Darlene: Are you sure? (points to Claudette, who is fighting with some chipmunks)

Gigolo Jane: You can't be sure about that one.

David: We have a bigger problem than chipmunks now...

Darlene: What?

David: The hungry wolves. (wolves circle the mechas)

Gigolo Joe: Stay perfectly still...

Claudette: (wolf sniffs her leg) Get away! (kicks wolf)

Wolf: GRR! (gets into fight with Claudette)

Gigolo Jane: Claudette, you freaking lunatic! Never kick wild animals, even if you are mecha!

Claudette: (throws wolf out of cave) Run like hell!
(mecha tribe starts running out of Hungry Cave and into the Flesh Fair)
Teddy: I'm going to vomit. (looks at pile of dead robots in Flesh Fair arena)

Claudette: This place seems slightly familiar...

David: I hate this place! It's scary!

Darlene: Yeah, I've noticed. (stares at dead mecha)

Gigolo Jane: I'm glad I wasn't here before!

Gigolo Joe: I almost died here. And she did die here. (points to Claudette)

David: What's happening over there? (points to some mechas stuffing Lord Johnson-Johnson into a cannon)

Gigolo Jane: Maybe it's best if you don't ask about that.

Teddy: Uh huh.

Welder Mecha: Fire in the hole!

Claudette: Who's hole? (Lord Johnson-Johnson flies through the air) I got it! I got it! (Lord Johnson Johnson lands on her)

Lord Johnson-Johnson: What the hell did I land on?

Teddy: You shouldn't have landed on her...

Lord Johsnon-Johnson: (counts the mecha tribe) Wait a minute! Where's that phsyco nanny mecha? (gets launched into the air)

Claudette: I am NEVER going to catch flying objects AGAIN! (sees her reflection in dead mecha skull. Looks accusingly at Lord J-J) You freak! You messed up my hair!

Lord Johnson-Johnson: Oh shit. (Claudette tackles him. Then ties him up) Untie me you freak of nature!

David: We don't want to. (mecha tribe goes to the finish line)

Claudette: Did we win?

Sheila: Bitch. I mean, yes, Mecha Tribe, you won!

Mecha Tribe: (cheers)

Prof. Hobby: We were here first!

Sheila: Technically, the whole tribe has to cross the finish line first in order to win, so Orgas, since Lord J-J didn't come back before the entire mecha tribe got here, you lose.

Todd: Screw you!

Sheila: Mecha Tribe has won... a Ford F-150! (mecha tribe jumps into the F-150 and wrecks into everything. To Sheila's luck, Claudette is the one driving.)

Claudette: (laughs evilly)

Sheila: Holy shit! She's driving?!

David: Yep.

Sheila: (runs) Help! Help! Help!

Claudette: I like to drive! (runs over Sheila)

Sheila: Ow. (Now Teddy is driving.) Supertoys can't drive!

Teddy: Oh yeah? (runs over Sheila [again])

Sheila: Remember, I'm the secretary mecha from hell host who is handicapped at the moment, and I'll see you some other time on "Survivor: Haddonfield". I need a vacation.

 Chapter Six: Time To Vote Off!
Sheila: First the Mecha Tribe will vote off the suckiest member of their tribe. (in a soft voice) I think it's Claudette.

Claudette: Shut up, you Shit Head!

Sheila: Light-headed dummy! (egg falls out of sky [again] and Chicken Person & Scar appear once more)

Chicken Person: I've gotta see who gets voted off!

Scar: Me too!

Gigolo Joe: But you're the author! You will know who gets voted off!

Chicken Person: I know. I just wanted to see that person's reactions to getting voted off. Hold up the cards that you write your votes on.

David: I'm going to get rid of Darlene. 'Cause I'm the only mecha child. (holds up card with Darlene's name on it.)

Darlene: I kind of want to get voted off. These people are morons. Especially... (holds up card with Claudette's name written on it) Claudette.

Scar: (holds up sign with "eggs" written on it. He has a dreamy expression on his face.) Eggs... Eggs... I like eggs... Eggs...

Chicken Person: SCAR! You can't vote! (throws rock at Scar. He gets knocked out) Besides, eggs isn't even a person.

Gigolo Joe: There's only room for one gigolo in this tribe. (holds up card with Gigolo Jane's name on it)

Gigolo Jane: Darlene isn't like the rest of us. She's not wierd. (holds up card with Darlene's name on it)

Chicken Person: I know I can't vote, but... (holds up sign that says, "Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by idiots.")

Sheila: (holds up card that says "The Light-headed Dummy a.k.a Claudette")

Chicken Person: Sheila! You can't vote either!

Sheila: Crap!

Claudette: (holds up card that says "Shit Head" on it)

Chicken Person: We don't know who that is.

Claudette: (pulls marker out of thin air and x's out "Shit head" and writes Sheila beside it. Then throws marker at Sheila)

Sheila: I'm not a shit head! And don't throw things at me!

Claudette: Whatever.

Teddy: (holds up card that says Darlene's name on it)

Chicken Person: I rest my case. (grabs votes from everyone.) Darlene, sorry but, looks like you're goin' back to Cybertronics. Not to get destroyed, but to wait for a home.

Darlene: Yay! I get to get away from these wierdos and freaks! (gets on plane to Cybertronics)

Chicken Person: Mecha tribe, go back to that shack that ya'll are living in. I've got to deal with the Orga tribe now...
(mechas leave. orgas enter.)

Chicken Person: Write someone's name on a card blah blah blah; You get the idea?

Orga Tribe: Yes.

Henry: (holds up card with Todd's name written on it) I finally get revenge! Todd came over to our house and raided the fridge without anyone knowing!

Martin: (holds up card with Lord J-J's name on it) Even though I didn't exactly like David, I'm ticked about Lord Johnson-Johnson trying to kill him.

Monica: (holds up card with Lord J-J's name on it) How could he try to kill my stepson?!

Todd: (holds up card with Henry's name on it written in taco sauce) He caught me tryin' to raid the fridge!

Chicken Person: Where the heck did you get that taco sauce?

Todd: Scar gave it to me.

Chicken Person: That's not surprising.

Scar: Tacos! Get your free tacos! (sits at card board taco stand that he built)

Prof. Hobby: (holds up card with Lord Johnson Johnson written on it in fancy letters) I HATE that mecha masher!

Lord Johnson-Johnson: (holds up card with Prof. Hobby's name on it. The name is written in pink crayon in a 5-year-old's hand writing.) He's the reason for all of these mecha monsters!

Chicken Person: (sees the pink crayon and sloppy hand writing on Lord J-J's card) Won't ask.

Scar: (pours taco sauce in a large bucket)

Chicken Person: (grabs a taco from Scar's taco stand and inspects it before eating it) No tricks, right?

Scar: Right!

Chicken Person: If you kill me, I'll haunt you when I come back as a ghost. You know that, right? (Scar nods) (Chicken Person takes bite of Scar's taco) Not bad.

Scar: Chickens.

Chicken Person: (sees votes) Yay! Lord J-J's goin' to a phsych ward!

Lord Johnson-Johnson: What does that mean?

Chicken Person: You got voted off! (Sees Scar holding bucket of what appears to be acid over Lord J-J's head) What the hell are you tryin' to do?!

Scar: (laughs like a maniac) Taco Sauce Bath! (dumps taco sauce on Lord J-J ^_^. Then phsych ward guys come to take Lord J-J away!)

Chicken Person: No more Lord Johnson Johnson!!!!!!!

Scar: Ding Dong the Wicked Bitch is soaked in Taco Sauce!

Chicken Person: Orga tribe, go back to your shelter! (disappears with Scar)

Sheila: I'll see you next time on "Survivor: Haddonfield"! Next a new challenge! (mutters) Sure to get rid of the Light-headed dummy...

 Chapter Seven: Scar Hens and the Hornet's Nests of Pain

Sheila: Guess what? I just got done with the wedding arrangements for me and Spunky!


Gigolo Joe: Who wants to take bets on how long Sheila and Spunky will stay married?!

Gigolo Jane: I'll give them a year.

David: I'll give them six months.

Teddy: I'll give them a week.

Claudette: I'll give them 10minutes. (egg falls out of the sky [again] and lands on Sheila's head)

Sheila: I've got the yolk on me!

Claudette: (laughs. Stops laughing when egg falls on her head) Hey! (Chicken Person appears standing beside David)

Chicken Person: You all won't believe this, but, Scar actually cooks good food!

Scar: (screams like the squirrel on "Ice Age" as he falls out of sky)

Chicken Person: But his teleportation skills are shit when he's on his own. (Scar lands in a hornet's nest)

Scar: Ow! Get off me! Damn bees! Ow! Fuck you! Get away! (falls out of tree) I'm free! (Hornet nest falls out of tree and lands on Scar's head) Oh. Shit.

Gigolo Joe: SCAR! How stupid are you?!

Scar: I smell honey!

Teddy: Scar, hornets don't make honey; what you smell is wax.

Scar: How sick are these gay bees?! They eat wax?! Sick little bastards. (finally pulls hornet's nest off of his head. Throws it in the air) That's better.

Claudette: Scar is not very bright. That is true. (hornet's nest falls on her head) HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sheila: (laughs so hard she nearly gets sick) I... can't... artificially.... breathe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Claudette: Help! (walks around trying desperately to get the hornet nest off of her head) Shit!

Chicken Person: Scar, you're an accident waiting to happen, aren't you?

Claudette: (finally gets nest off her head) Ow. (sees Sheila, smiles, and throws nest at her) We're playin' Dodge-Nest!

Sheila: That's nice... (nest hits her in the face) BLOODY HELL!!!!!!!!!!! (orga tribe comes)

Prof. Hobby: What the hell's going on?!

Chicken Person: Scar landed in a hornet's nest, and threw it at Claudette, who threw it at Sheila, who is now cursing.

Sheila: Spunky! Spunky, get it off me! Spunky, help! (Pulls nest off of her head and throws it at Claudette. Claudette ducks and instead, the nest hits Scar in the ass)

Scar: HOLY CHICKENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've got bees in my pants!!!!

Chicken Person: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, Scar, we really needed that information!

Scar: (pulls nest out of his pants and throws it at random people.) I HATE bees! (nest hits Todd in the face. Scar laughs)

Todd: Mommy! I got stung! (cries and gets on a plane to his mommy's house, after he throws the nest at David)

Chicken Person: No more Todd... DAVID! LOOK OUT!!!!!!!

David: Help. Me. (nest hits him in the chest) Bees are in my shirt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (throws nest. It hits Gigolo Joe)

Gigolo Joe: IT CERTAINLY WAS MY GOOD FORTUNE RUNNING INTO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (backs up into a bigger hornet's nest that is in the ground) SHIT! (throws nest at Martin. Martin catches it and throws it. It hits Chicken Person)

Chicken Person: WHO THE HELL THREW THAT FUCKING THING AT ME?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (pulls it off of her head and throws it at Martin)

Martin: Here, Mecha! (throws it at Gigolo Jane) Ow.

Gigolo Jane: (screams when nest hits her in the head) DAMN! (throws nest at Monica)

Monica: SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!! (throws nest at Henry.)

Henry: (Throws nest at Gigolo Joe, who jus climbed out of the bigger nest)

Gigolo Joe: Why me?! (gets hit in the face) SHIT! (throws nest at Prof. Hobby)

Prof. Hobby: Oh, boy! (catches nest, then throws it to Chicken Person)

Chicken Person: (catches nest and throws it into the swamp) Thank God.

Chapter Eight: We interupt this program to bring you More Mischeif Before Challenge #2

(Both tribes, the author, the insane mecha child, and the deranged host are sitting in a cafe called "Cafe Disgusto")

Sheila: God dang mother fuckin' damn wasp's nest...

Chicken Person: (sighs) Since Todd is gone, only nine weird characters remain. Each person will eat some gross shit, whoever don't goes home, blah, blah, blah, who gives a shit?

David: But we'll break if we eat.

Sheila: Yay! Light-headed Dummy will break!

Chicken Person: No. None of you mechas will break.

Gigolo Jane: So, ya mean that we don't have to eat that shit?

Chicken Person: No! You have to eat it. I made this story, so that the mechas will not break if they eat.

Gigolo Joe: Aw man! So we do have to eat it? (Chicken Person nods)

Teddy: I am going to vomit for sure, this time.

Claudette: You said that when we went through the Hillbilly Ho-Down Flesh Fair!

Scar: I learned a new word.

Chicken Person: That's nice, Scar. But I have to explain this challenge.

Scar: The word I learned is shit.

Chicken Person: SCAR! (slaps him)

Scar: Ow.

Chicken Person: Scar, who taught you that?! (Scar points to Claudette)

Claudette: I'm in bad trouble.

Gigolo Joe: Quit stealing people's lines from our movie!

Claudette: I did not!

Gigolo Joe: I beg to differ. I'm supposed to say that! You should really be dead, right now.

Claudette: I thought I was one of a kind.

David: Mine! That's MY line!

Claudette: You will break.

Teddy: Grr. Grr.

Claudette: I'm serious! David will break if he doesn't get away from Scar! (points to Scar and David who are passing a chainsaw back and forth)

Scar: Hot chain-potato-saw!

David: Hot chain-potato-saw!

Chicken Person: Oh hell! Scar! Keep away from David! Scar, you put down that chainsaw, right this minute!

Scar: Hair-Doos.

Chicken Person: I mean it! (make chainsaw disappear. Turns Scar into a pack of ciggerettes)

Teddy: Why'd you turn Scar into a pack of ciggerettes?

Chicken Person: Oops! I meant to turn him into an egg! (turns Scar into an egg)

Sheila: Fuckin' bull shit wasp nest from hell...

Chicken Person: Shut up, already! You're the host!

Sheila: Right. I'm just mad at Light-headed Dummy for throwing bee's nest at me.

Claudette: The Light-headed Dummy has a name!

Sheila: Right, I forgot. Your name is Shit Head.

Claudette: No! My name's Claudette! Your name is Shit Head!

Chicken Person: Quit arguing like 5 year olds fighting over a toy!

Sheila & Claudette: She did it!

Chicken Person: Remind me to drop them both into the hornet's nest after this.

Henry: I will.

Monica: Me too. They're making all of us look bad.

Martin: Chicken Person, can you tell us the challenge?

Chicken Person: Sure thing. SHUT UP EVERYONE! (everyone is silent) The challenge is that all of you eat gross things.

Prof. Hobby: But we're on Survivor. Not Fear Factor.

Chicken Person: I'm the author, and what I say goes. Just do the damn challenge! (leaves after turning Scar back to normal)

Scar: Holy chickens! (teleports back to Chicken Person's office)


Chapter Nine: It's Dinner Time!

Sheila: We're here in Cafe Disgusto in Haddonfield, where the castaways must eat and/or drink the most disgusting things!

Martin: But I'm not hungry.

Sheila: Then go home.

Martin: But I wanna win.

Sheila: Then eat the nasty stuff.

Martin: Okay.

Sheila: Our castaways must eat chocolate covered crickets, a rotton egg, and a rat tail, then drink 100 year old eggnog.

Castaways: We'll pass.

Sheila: You'll eat it and like it!

Castaways: Like heck we will! (start fighting Sheila. Chicken Person appears with Scar)

Chicken Person: Quit Fighting! (all quit fighting) Gosh! And I thought Scar was nuts.

Scar: Red. Eggs. Tree. Gravy. Chickens. Bread. The Hulk. Gravy again. Where is the love? Mighty Kids Meal...

Chicken Person: Okay. I still think Scar's nuts. What does he have in his CPU now?

Scar: I traded the buttered toast for a pencil.

Chicken Person: So now you have a pencil for a CPU?

Scar: Yep. And proud of it!

Chicken Person: (carries plates over to the castaways) Bon Appetit'.

Claudette: (looks at her plate) Sick! What the hell are these things?

Sheila: Chocolate Covered Crickets!

Teddy: Yep. I am definately gonna vomit this time.

Henry: To hell with this! I'm leavin'! (leaves)

Chicken Person: Jeez. I didn't know that you'd leave just like that.

Prof. Hobby: (Looks at his plate) I am not very hungry.

Sheila: (holds up spoon full of rotton eggs) Open up your mouth, Professor!

Prof. Hobby: No way! And here I thought the torture would end.

Teddy: (dumps plate on the ground. Scar comes and takes it)

Scar: That'd be ten NewBucks, Mr. Teddy. (Teddy gives him 10 NewBucks)

Teddy: Keep the change.

Scar: (runs off with nasty food and dumps it in the middle of the Flesh Fair Arena. Then comes back to Cafe Disgusto)

David: (pushes plate away) I will break.

Monica: That's right, David. (hands plate to Scar so he can dump it in the Flesh Fair)

Martin: Actually, we'll all break if we eat that crap.

Sheila: Come on, Allen! Open up for the choo-choo!

Prof. Hobby: Screw you!

Gigolo Joe: (whispers to Gigolo Jane) Quick, break my faceplate to make it look like I broke while trying to eat.

Gigolo Jane: (whispers to Joe) Just give your plate to Scar, he's dumping the shit in the Flesh Fair.

Claudette: (light bulb appears above her head) I got an idea!

Scar: (singing while collecting plates to put in the Flesh Fair) I'm too sexy for my looks, Too sexy for my love, Too sexy for my eyes...

Claudette: (grins evilly) I'm evil. (grabs rat tail) Ready... Aim... Fire! (throws it at Sheila. It misses) Damn!

Sheila: (still trying to get Prof. Hobby to eat the eggs) Oh, Allen, you know you're hungry!

Prof. Hobby: No I'm not!

David: Mommy, this is wrong. I don't like Sheila.

Martin: For once you're right about something! (gives David the "thumbs up")

Monica: I don't think anyone likes Sheila. Particularly Claudette.

Gigolo Joe: (gives his plate and Jane's plate to Scar) Get rid of it.

Sheila: (suddenly gets bored of trying to convince Prof. Hobby to eat the nasty food) I'll just go bug Claudette instead.

Prof. Hobby: Thank God.

Sheila: (grabs glass of 100 year old eggnog) Claudette! Drink this! Now!

Claudette: (smiles innocently. She obviously has something evil planned) Why not? After all, I do wanna win the money! (grabs glass of eggnog from Sheila)

Sheila: I got someone to listen to me!

Claudette: Actually, I'm not very thirsty! (dumps eggnog on Sheila's head)

Sheila: Spunky! Get it off of me!

David: (laughs and points at Sheila)

Sheila: That's it Spunky! We're through! I'm filing a divorce!

Gigolo Joe: David, you won the bet!

David: Cool!

Scar: Don't give the nasty food to me! Instead, throw it at Sheila! (Castaways throw food at Sheila)

Sheila: Remember! I'm the food covered obstacle course divorcing secretary mecha from the land of the singing kangaroos and dancing mice host! And I'll see you next time on "Survivor: Haddonfield!"


Chapter Ten: Conversations with the Castaways


A Conversation with Monica Swinton

Monica: I really do feel guilty about dumping David in the woods. You know, since there's things like Lord Johnson-Johnson and Sheila out there. Henry and Martin are guilty too. We really started searching for David, but he disappeared and was frozen for 2,000 years. I honestly worry about my son and my mecha-son while they're on this show, 'cause Sheila's a moron, Claudette's a phsycopath, and Scar's a freak of nature!

Hey Joe, Whaddya Know?

Gigolo Joe: I like being on the show, but everyone is a little weird, especially Sheila. Sheila's a nut. If I win the money, I'll buy a phsych ward and put all of my fellow castaways in there, with the exception of Jane. I'm glad to have David back, but he never talks much anymore. I guess being in a movie really does change some people.

Professor Hobby- The Visionary

Prof. Hobby: Well, uh, I'm glad to have built David. He's such a good kid. I regret ever building Sheila, she's a freaking nut. I'm proud to be on "Survivor". And, uh, I hope I win.

Hey Jane, How's the Game?

Gigolo Jane: It's not that I don't like being on the show, it's just the fact that nearly everyone's insane. And what's up with that Scar Hens kid? He's a total moron! And I'm still mad at him for causing that "Hornet's Nest Incident"! Damn bees!

There's Something About Claudette

Claudette: I'm not evil or anything, or at least I don't think I am. And, uh, I hate Sheila; she's a Shit Head. What's up with Scar?! He's almost as creepy as Sheila!

Scar: Eggs! (chases a chicken)

Claudette: Creepy ass kid!

A Portrait of David

David: It's fun being on Survivor, but the castaways are sorta weird. Take Claudette for an example.

Teddy- The Toy of the Future!

Teddy: I'm glad to have people around me again. After the movie, I didn't have anyone to talk to except them Specialists. They're creepy as hell.

Martin- The "Real" Son

Martin: I feel really guilty about causing Mom and Dad to get rid of David. We never found him, till now. I really wanna win! I also wanna get away from Sheila.


Chapter Eleven: It's Time To Vote Off Again!

(Both Tribes are sitting in the Tribal Council place. Sheila is trying to comb the nasty food out of her hair)

Sheila: Fucking food. I mean, uh, this time on "Survivor: Haddonfield", the Mecha Tribe will vote off their 2 crappiest players, that way they are even with the Orga Tribe.

Chicken Person: (from another world) You know the routine! Write on the cards.

Teddy: I'll have to get rid of Jane. She's not exactly one of "A.I.'s" heroes. David, Joe, and I are the heroes. (holds up card with Jane's name on it)

David: I wanna get rid of Jane. Someone has to go. (holds up card with Jane's name on it)

Gigolo Joe: (holds up card with Claudette's name on it) She has issues.

Gigolo Jane: (holds up card with Teddy's name on it) Poor thing should go to a repair shop, he's still damaged from the rabid chipmunks and hornets.

Claudette: (holds up card with Jane's name on it) She's not exactly "weird" like the rest of us.

Sheila: Darn it! I wanted Claudette to go home! I mean, Jane, it looks like you're going to be one of the castaways to leave tonight. (Jane leaves) Vote again, Mecha Tribe.

Claudette: I wanna ditch David this time. He didn't grab my hand and save my brain at the Flesh Fair! (holds up card with David's name on it)

David: (holds up card with Teddy's name on it) Sorry Teddy. Joe's my friend too, and I like to watch Claudette fight with Sheila.

Teddy: (holds up card with Claudette's name on it) She's not a hero either!

Gigolo Joe: Sorry, but Teddy, you'll be safer at home. You know, with Sheila and Scar running around. (holds up card with Teddy's name on it)

Sheila: Shit! I mean, uh, Teddy, looks like you're goin' back home with Henry. (Teddy leaves)

Martin: But we want to vote off too!

Sheila: Then the Mecha Tribe will just have to vote off one more person! I still have a chance! (mutters) I hope it's Claudette.

David: (holds up card with his own name written on it) I can't vote off neither of them! Claudette wasn't in the movie much, and Joe's my friend!

Joe: (holds up card with his own name written on it) I myself, can't vote off them. Claudette reminds me of Samantha Bevins because of her evil attitude, and David's my best friend.

Claudette: (holds up card with Joe's name written on it) Sorry Joe. I can't have someone as hot as you near that Shit Head called Sheila.

Chicken Person: (from another world) You assholes! I didn't want Joe to go! But, then again, Claudette has a point. Joe shouldn't be around Sheila.

Sheila: Shit! Joe, looks like you're goin' back to Rouge City.

Gigolo Joe: I am! I was! (Joe leaves.)

Sheila: Monica, my hostage, and Martin, now you can vote off.

Prof. Hobby: (holds up card with Martin's name on it) You made David run away!

Martin: (holds up card that says "Mom") Sorry, Mom. I just don't want Dad to be lonely at home.

Monica: (holds up card with Martin's name on it) Sorry, Martin. I just don't want you around Sheila, Scar, or that psycho-nanny mecha.

Sheila: Martin, you're goin' home. (Martin leaves) I'll see you next time on "Survivor: Haddonfield"!

Chapter Twelve: And The Winner Is...

(Prof. Hobby, Claudette, Monica, David, Sheila, Scar, and Chicken Person are sitting in Scar's and Claudette's Ford F-150.)

Monica: I'm bored.

Claudette: Me too. (slaps Sheila in the back of the head)

Sheila: Gosh damn mother fuckin' gosh damn...

David: Anyone who's not bored is insane.

Prof. Hobby: (draws a picture of Sheila with horns on in his notebook) It is boring around here.

Chicken Person: (types "Survivor: Haddonfield" on her laptop)

Scar: (sleeping with a chicken on his head) I'm the Flying Dutchman. I'm the Flying Dutchman...

David: Why are we in the F-150 if we're not gonna drive it?

Monica: Good point.

Prof. Hobby: I haven't a clue.

Claudette: Hey, Chicken Person, what's supposed to happen next?

Chicken Person: You're supposed to have a party.

David: Why?

Chicken Person: 'Cause it sounds like a good idea to make the readers of this wierd story laugh.

Prof. Hobby: Scar, wake up, we're having a party soon.

Scar: (wakes up) Gravy!

Chicken Person: Wanna see something funny?

Castaways: Sure!

Chicken Person: Hey, Scar! Knock-Knock!

Scar: Who's there?

Chicken Person: Laptop!

Scar: Laptop who?

Chicken Person: I'm gonna hitchu upside the head with a laptop!

Scar: Huh? (Chicken Person beats him in the head with her computer) That's a good one!

Castaways: (laughing hysterically)

Chicken Person: My God! It wasn't that funny! Instead of having a party, why don't you people drive the F-150?

Claudette: I'm driving! (Claudette throws Scar out of the drivers seat, and he flies out the window)

Scar: Help!

David: You just threw Scar out the window!

Claudette: So?

Monica: Run, Scar, run!

Scar: Oh, shit. (gets hit by the F-150. Metal parts fly all over the place)

Prof. Hobby: You asshole, you just killed him!

Chicken Person: He'll live. (Scar morphs back together) See?

Monica: (screams. Jumps out of car. Leaves)

David: You stupid mecha! You scared my Mommy away! (throws Claudette out the windshield. Then she gets run over)

Claudette: Oh hell. I'm road kill.

Sheila: (laughs like a chipmunk and points at Claudette)

Claudette: David, Prof. Hobby! You can have the money!

Sheila: Yay!

Prof. Hobby: (throws her out of the car) Fuck you!

David: (runs over Sheila)

Prof. Hobby: Die you Bitch!

Claudette: (grabs Sheila and throws her on the windshield) The hell's wrong with you?!

Shiela: Go to hell, Dummy! (throws rock at Claudette)

Claudette: Bloody Hell. (grabs Sheila and throws her into the giant hornet's nest) You're terminated, Fucker! I'd better get the hell outta here, before David runs me over again. (leaves)

David: Prof. Hobby, I'm still mad about you making clones of me! (throws Prof. Hobby through the windshield)

Prof. Hobby: You wouldn't kill your creator, would you!?

David: No!

Prof. Hobby: (runs away)

Chicken Person: Congradulations, David! You won the cash! Congrats!

Scar: Congrats! All hail David! (puts crown on David's head. Losing castaways appear out of nowhere.)

Losers: We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're not worthy! (bow down to David)

David: Beware! For I am the Almighty David Swinton! Winner of "Survivor: Haddonfield!"


Look out for a sequel!!!!!!!!!!

- Chicken Person

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