1. You say a crescendoing "aaaaaAAAAAAAAhhhhhhHHHHHH!" whenever you drive
into a highway tunnel (Almost did this riding into the Callahan Tunnel in Boston).
2. You can't say "hoity-toity" without using that sarcastic drawl Joe uses.
3. You catch yourself standing very straight and erect, almost craning your
breastbone upward, like a Specialist.
4. You get a fit of the lusty grins every time you hear "I Only Have Eyes
for You" (It's been used in a couple commercials lately, which only gives me more excuses for the PG-13 fantasies about Joe!).
5. Someone points out an odd habit of yours, to which you reply, "It's just
what I do."
6. You greet your friends named Joseph with a cocky "Hey, Joe, whaddya know?"
7. Every time you have spinach for dinner, you think of the tech's line
to David: "Spinach is for rabbits, people, and Popeye, NOT robo-boys."
8. You want to trade the six year old girl from hell your mother babysits
for a "Darlene".
9. Motorcycles buzz by in the night and you think it's the Flesh Fair sending
out the Hounds.
10. The moon shines through your window and you holler "Moon on the rise!"
11. The moon shines through your window and you ask, "Is it real?"
12. Your nasty boss reminds you increasingly of Lord Johnson-Johnson; if
something goes wrong at work, you expect him to have you thrown through the Mecha-chopper.
13. You don't blink much, if at all and it really creeps people out.
14. Peeking over the countertop when someone's working in the kitchen and
watching them closely seems normal to you.
15. You laugh loudly and rather choppily at somewhat inappropriate times;
this doesn't bother you.
16. You make sure your hair's the right color before going out on a date.
17. Instead of signing an organ donor card when you get your driver's license,
you ask to be cryogenically stored.
18. You're watching "The Sixth Sense" or "Pay It Forward" and you think
Haley Joel Osment looks really odd without the robotic makeup (i.e., the half-inch of wax on his skin).
19. You're watching "Gattaca" or "eXistenZ" or "Road to Perdition" or "Enemy
at the Gates" and you think Jude Law looks really strange without his hairline airbrushed.
20. You find Haddonfield on a map of New Jersey (it's near Camden) and you
start looking "across the Delaware" for Rouge City.
21. Something rustles in the woods behind your house one moonlit night;
you look out to see if you can spot any derelict Mechas rummaging about scavenging for parts.
22. The moon is rising over the edge of a hill and you look to see if you
can spot Joe silouetted against it.
23. You're in the dentist's office: he inadvertantly prods the roof of your
mouth. You expect your faceplate to open.
24. You're watching the original "Spy Kids", and when the malevolent kid
robots show up, you say "Definately NOT David and Darlene!"
25. When you go on a road trip to New York City, you're amazed you can still
get there by car.
26. You go nuts going from one garden center to another trying to find a
weeping lion fountain.
27. You're trying to rebuild a personal helicopter kit into an amphibicopter.
28. You call the bar in your basement "The Shangri-La". You also speak to
your friends in a tired-sounding nasal drawl a la Mr. Williamson when you're serving drinks.
28. You glue your driver's license/learner's permit to your skin just below
your collarbone. Cops get freaked out when they ask for your license and you crack your collar.
29. Half the links you've added to the "Favorites" folder on your Web browser
have something to do with "A.I."
30. If you're a girl, you have it bad for guys with black hair and green
31. If you're a guy, you have it bad for girls with chin-length black hair
and blue eyes.
32. Your favorite fairy-tale is "Pinocchio".
33. Someone asks you for some information about something you know nothing
about, you reply, "Ask Dr. Know! There's nothing he doesn't!"
34. You annoy your mother by replicating David's phone trick using a speaker
35. You walk very, very quietly and you often startle people by suddenly
stepping around corners or out from behind things.
36. You pronounce the name of the main borough of New York City as two words:
37. You're trying to apply for an amphibicopter license.
38. If you use MS Word (to type your "A.I." fanfictions, ha! ha!), you rename
the Einstein-lookalike version of the Office Assistant "Dr. Know".
39. You've done something of doubtful morality; you say to the person you
love, "I love you. Don't kill me." before breaking the news to them.
40. Someone's talking too much or being annoying and you ask, out loud,
"Where's the off switch?"
41. Something's stressing you out totally, so you say, "My brain is falling
42. You greet your friends/acquaintences named Jane with a cocky "Hey, Jane,
how's the game?" complete with Joe's accent.
43. Something scares/startles you, so you duck behind someone and start
babbling "Keepmesafe! keepmesafe! keepmesafe!"
44. You wonder if you'll ever have to put your house up for sale as "beachfront
45. You hit enemies/intruders in the face with a table lamp.
46. Someone's being funny by talking like a robot, y'know, in a metallic
deadpan and thewordsallruntogether (Mecha-bashers seem to like to do this to annoy us Mecha-huggers). In a silken voice very
like Joe's, and with your chin lifted at a slightly odd angle, you reply, "I beg to differ with that." or something just as
47. Incessant rain every day doesn't bother you.
48. You're watching the WB TV series "Birds of Prey", and you think Ashley
Scott looks odd with her hair spiky at the ends. You also catch yourself saying, "Hey Jane, how's the game?" in a voice very
49. On visiting a friend's home for the first time, you compliment them
for it by saying, "I like your floor", or "I like your [fill in the blank]" said with Haley Joel's cheerful lilt.
50. You're watching the movie "Mansfield Park", and you wonder what the
heck Frances O'Connor is doing in 19th century England?! (The fact that Jonny Lee Miller, who plays the romantic lead in it,
looks a bit like Jude Law doesn't help, either.)
51. June 29th (Release Date of "A.I.") and December 29th (Jude Law's birthday),
amongst other dates related to the film, are holidays which you mark on your calender.
52. You refer to Las Vegas as "Rouge City without the lover-Mechas."
53. When there's an OrganChai brand tea commercial on the radio, you keep
hearing it as "Orga-Chai", and you think the name is a little too obvious.
54. You drive your sculpture class instructor crazy by trying to replicate
the Cybertronics statue.
55. The girl you babysit got those "Bratz" dolls, the ones whose feet are
their shoes: they remind you wierdly of the derelict Mechas attaching hands/jaws/eyes.
56. You're rebuilding your Ford Probe to look like one of the cars in the
57. After a blizzard, you look out the window and you think the world froze
over. You expect to see the Specialists' transport go swooping past.
58. You wonder if the hyperactive kid boinging up and down in the chair
opposite to yours in the waiting room at the hairdressers' is a David model with an overactive locomotion actuator.
59. A song gets stuck in you head; you jerk your head to the left to get
it to stop. When that doesn't work, you remember you're only an Orga.
60. You realize Haley Joel Osment did one of the voices in "The Jungle Book
2"; you say "Oh, for a minute I thought David had reeeally gotten lost when Monica abandoned him."
61. You heard about what kind of character Jude Law appeared as in "Road
to Perdition"; you exclaim "Something's dreadfully wrong with Joe's programming!"
62. You call all talking stuffed animals "Supertoys".
63. The PBS program "Robot Wars"--even the title alone--gives you the creeps.
64. You name all the appliances in your house and you talk kindly to them,
or coaxingly if they're acting up.
65. You're very, very suspicious of junkyards.
66. Your toaster dies: you give it a funeral.
67. You call all automated answering services "artificial not-so-intelligences".
68. You try doing an Irish accent at St. Patrick's Day. Suddenly you realize
you sound like Lord Johnson-Johnson.
69. Someone is treating you like you're stupid, so you retort, "I wasn't
70. The "Add Something" kid in the Garelick Farms milk commercials on the
radio sounds (to you at least) like David with some of Joe's charm programming.
71. You're watching "Braveheart" and you notice something oddly familiar
about the character Hamish (The fact that someone throws a rock at him adds to the similarity). Then when the credits roll,
you notice Brendan Gleeson's name listed. You cry, "How'd Lord Johnson-Johnson get in here?!"
72. When you're watching "Toy Story" and Sid the toy-smashing kid is in
action, you say, "THAT'S what happens when people take their kids to Flesh Fairs!"
73. Something irritates you: you growl at it like Teddy.
74. Someone asks you to do something morally questionable; mimicking David's
cautious tone you say, "I'd better not."
75. Someone tries to do something potentially dangerous (but not lethal)
to themself; you put your hand on their wrist and warn them "You will break."
76. You heard about Sadie Frost throwing her husband Jude Law out of their
home; you immediately said under your breath, "Something as unique as that you just don't throw out with the rest of the garbage!"
[Okay, I know the line was spoken by the Flesh Fair tech regarding David, but this is something I was guilty of.]
77. On seeing Haley Joel in the previews for "Secondhand Lions", you couldn't
help remarking, "Wow, David's had some upgrades: pretty soon they'll be installing a romantic charm chip..."
78. You heard about Sadie divorcing Jude and messing around with a MUCH
younger boy, even before the procedure was finalized; you immediately thought, "Great, she traded Joe in for a newer, younger
79. You heard Brendan Gleeson appeared in "Cold Mountain", alongside Jude
Law; you immediately started thinking, "That Mecha-basher had better stay *far* away from Joe, or I'll rip his arms off!"
And then you remembered the movie is an American Civil War drama.
80. You annoy the heck out of a friend of yours who has seven or mor kids
by asking them if they got licenses so they could have that many kids!
81. If said friends' kids are being obNOXious, especially if you're babysitting
them, you threaten to call the kid-catchers and tell them where they live and that their licenses aren't in order...
82. Your computer eats one of your files (e.g. one of your "A.I." fics),
so you threaten to turn it in to the SPCB (Sentient Property Crime Buereau).
83. When you go to Build-a-Bear, you have a bear made up to look like Teddy
(brown eyes, copper-colored fur on all of him except his face and tummy which are cream-colored). But then you get puzzled
why he doesn't talk or follow you around the house...
84. You're watching "Timeline" and you think, "Monica must be seriously
going crazy trying to find David if she's going back to 14th century France...."
85. You put on perfume/cologne/aftershave
and you ask one of your family members "Do I smell lovely?"
86. During a job interview, you tell your prospective employer
"I have many good references", and you say this with a mild French accent like the Nanny-Mecha.
87. You mend your clothes
while you're wearing them, like Teddy sewing up his fur.
88. You refer to the pop psychologic term "your inner child"
as "your inner David or Darlene"
89. You're walking by the perfume counter in a department store, and you're stunned
at how readily availible Chanel #5 is: you thought it was in short supply.
90. You walk through the TV room of your
house when your mother is watching that made-for-TV movie in which William Hurt played a CIA agent who sold vital information
to some enemy nation, and you
happen to walk through during the scene when he's taken into custody... You wonder what kind
of bad trouble Dr. Hobby got himself into.
91. You saw one of the previews of "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow"
and you wonder what on earth Joe is doing as a fighter pilot fighting against others of his own kind.
92. You really
start scratching your head when you find out that Jude Law's character in "Sky Captain..." is named Joe Sullivan.
93. During the scene in "Cold Mountain", when the Brendan Gleeson
character gets his hand caught in a booby trap, you think, "He deserves a lot worse for what he tried to do to David and Joe!"
You're watching the preview for "The Village" and start to wonder what kind of retirement plan Cybertronics is offering, if
Dr. Hobby is working as a village schoolteacher....
95. On seeing all the stills of Jude in "Alfie", you think to yourself,
"Joe's default hair color/texture must have been changed to 'blonde and brushed out'."
96. You're trying to rent an
apartment in an area of town where there's a lot of neon lighting, because the atmosphere reminds you of Rouge City.
You honestly wanted to clobber the execs at ABC for cutting: 1.) The "Mommy, Will you die?" scene; 2. Joe dancing down the
street in Haddonfield; and 3.) Most of the scene with David and Joe walking together in the woods after they escape from the
Flesh Fair, when ABC broadcasted "A.I." some months back.
98. You haven't heard about any new movies, etc. featuring
Haley Joel for awhile, so you catch yourself thinking, "Well, he *is* waiting for the Blue Fairy to turn him into a real boy."
99. You redo your bedroom to look like Room 102 in the Shangri-La
Hotel, tacky furniture, loud upholstery, sexy atmospheric iighting and all!
100. You're tempted to dress as Gigolo
Joe (or Gigolo Jane, if you're female) for the sci-fi convention you're going to.
101. Half the pictures in the pictures
folder on your hard drive are stills from/publicity shots for "A.I."
102. At *least* half the fan-fictions on your
page on fanfiction.net are "A.I." fics.
103. You're leery of the industrial rock group Ministry because they performed
with the Flesh Fair.
104. You find good reasons why you could write a crossover fanfic between "A.I." and whatever-sci-fi/fantasy
flick/book comes to mind, even if you have to do the equivalent of "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" to justify your claim.
When you're listening to the disco music program that the Golden Oldies station broadcasts on Saturday night, half the songs
remind you of Joe. It even dawns on you that seeing him dance to that kind of stuff would actually make it sound reeeally
106. You trawl Google or AltaVista at least once a week, looking for new "A.I." fanfics on people's personal