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The "A.I.: Artificial Intelligence" Fanfiction Online Anthology

Artificial NOT-So-Intelligence
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A.I.: The Bloopers or,

A.I.: Artificial NOT-So-Intelligence

Author's Note:

Someone did this with "The Matrix" and with LOTR, amongst other movies, but I can't say I've seen this done with "A.I." There's a little wishful thinking going on with this: how I wish I had been able to work on this excellent film (I'd loved to have played Patricia ;8^) )
 
Oh, I'll be adding to this from time to time as I get more wacky ideas, so please check back once in a while! New stuff will be in BOLD type...

INT - Cybertronics, Day

As Hobby is doing his demonstration with Sheila as a visual aid:

William Hurt/Hobby : "Sheila, open?"

Sheila obligingly opens her mouth as far as it will go, tilting her head back slightly as he presses the "release switch" on the roof of her mouth

Someone in the crowd of onlookers in the room: "Say 'Aahh'!"

Spielberg (O.C.): "Uh, that comes later in the film."

+++++

INT - The Swinton home, day

As Haley Joel Osment/David steps down to the hardwood floor, then steps back to the carpeted stair, he doesn't notice a strategically placed furniture tack on the carpet.

Haley Joel/David (stepping on the tack): "OUCH!"

Sam Robards/Henry: "Hey, that wasn't there earlier!"

Spielberg (O.C.): "I think Jake Thomas had something to do with it."

Haley Joel/David (being a trooper as Frances O'Connor/Monica helps him dislodge the tack from his sock): "I don't know if I like this floor any more."

++++++++
 
INT -- The Swinton house, master bedroom, day

Frances O'Connor/Monica Swinton is making the bed, raising the sheet
to air it out briefly before tucking it in. But she doesn't raise it
quite high enough, and so the top of Haley-Joel Osment/David's head
can be seen over the edge of the sheet as he scurries into place.

Spielberg (O.C.): "Oops! Too low, Frances, I can see Haley's head."

Frances/Monica: "Sorry!"

Haley-Joel/David: "Is it a game?" (kidding)

+++++++

INT - The Swinton Home, Day

Frances O'Connor/Monica is sitting on the floor near the closet where she's locked Haley Joel/David earlier.

She gets up and goes to open the door: she lifts the latch, tugs on it. It's locked.

Frances: "Oh no." She rattles the latch; Haley Joel taps on the inside of the glass.

Spielberg (O.C.): "Anything wrong?"

Frances: "The door's locked."

Haley Joel: Still being a trooper, but having fun with it. "If this is a game, it ain't no fun any more."

Spielberg (O.C.): "Someone get the key!"

+++++
 
INT -- The Swinton home, Martin's room, DAY

TAKE ONE:

Jake/Martin has just proposed the contest to see which one Teddy goes to first. He and Haley Joel/David call back and forth to Teddy, who starts to get flustered. Frances O'Connor/Monica walks through the room with an armload of clean laundry, so Teddy calls out to her.

Teddy: "Mommy!" He runs toward her as she passes by the round yellow cushion-like chair/stool thing near the bathroom door. He tries
jumping onto the cushion to get closer to her, but... he doesn't jump
far enough and ends up falling flat on his tummy. ::Plop!!::

Spielberg (O.C.): "Cut! Let's try that again, Teddy, from... running
toward the yellow cushion."

TAKE TWO:

Teddy: "Mommy!" He runs toward Monica again as she passes by the
round yellow cushion. He tries jumping onto the cushion to get close
to her, but... this time he jumps too hard and sails over the
cushion, landing on the other side. ::Ploomp!::

Jake/Martin and Haley Joel/David burst into giggles.

Spielberg (O.C.): "Cut! Let's try that another time, Teddy; you're
getting closer...."

+++++++
 
INT -- The Swinton home dining room, DAY

The Swinton family is having dinner. Jake Thomas/Martin has just been tricking Haley Joel Osment/David into eating spinach. What Haley Joel/David isn't aware of is that the caterers who cooked up the
batch of spinach accidently added too much pepper to the dish.

Haley Joel/David: (Mouth still chock-full of spinach) "Uh...uh... ah-
SHLOOOFF!!!" Spinach goes splattering out of his mouth and all *over* the table.

Spielberg (O.C.): "Cut! What on earth happened? You okay there,
Haley?"

Haley Joel/David: (As the set dressers/wardrobe lady are hurrying in
to clean up the splattered spinach from the table/floor/ front of
Haley's shirt) "Too much pepper!"

Jake/Martin: "Mr. Spielberg, can we leave that part in? It would make
the movie a lot *funnier*."

Spielberg: "Sorry, Jake, it would disrupt the scene... But I promise
we'll show it at the wrap party, along with the rest of the funny
outtakes."

+++++++

EXT - The Swinton pool, day

As the kids climb out of the pool and crowd around Haley Joel/David, the big one called "Todd" in advertantly slips and falls back into the water--SPLOOK!!!

Jake Thomas/Martin: "Hey, that's supposed to happen to ME!"

Haley Joel/David: "I didn't do it."

Someone in the offset: "THAT'S what you get for picking on someone smaller'n you--who ain't the same species!"

"Todd" (climbing out of the water): "You're supposed to pull Jake into the water, not me, fiberhead!--Oh, sorry, Haley."
 
+++++++++++

INT -- The Shangri-La Hotel lobby, night

Jude/Joe is chatting with "Mr. Williamson".

Jude/Joe: "Hello, Mr. Williamson. Place a DND on room one-oh-two,
please."

"Mr. Williamson": "Sure thing."

He reaches for the key on the rack on the wall to his left. As he
does so, the key slips out of his hand and drops to the floor --
clatter-tinkle!

"Mr. Williamson": "Dang it." He bends down and starts rummaging on
the floor to find it.

Jude/Joe hides an amused smile behind his hand.

The same grip who's been making comments from the offset: "Stupid
human."

"Mr. Williamson": [Finding the key and standing up] "What was that?"

Jude/Joe: [Utterly innocent] "I didn't say anything.

+++++

INT - Hotel room, Haddonfield, Night

Just as Jude Law/Joe is leaning over "Patricia":

Jude/Joe: You deserve much better in your life...you deserve...me."

Somehow Jude slips (not enough traction between the knees of his trousers and the bedspread?) and falls off the bed. At the exact same moment he hits the floor, one of the camera crew in the offset drops a roll of film, which crashes and bangs around on the floor.

Jude/Joe (still on the floor): "I'm all right! I'm aaall right!"

"Patricia": "Hey, Jude, was that awful crash the sound of your cute metal tush hitting the floor?"

Jude (getting up, rubbing said tush which is aching terribly, not having much insulation): "Very funny, very funny."

+++++

EXT - Haddonfield, street, before the Shangri-La Hotel, Night

Ashley Scott/Jane: "Hey, Joe, whaddya know?"

Jude/Joe (Over his shoulder): "Hey, Jane, how's the game?"

Ashley/Jane sashays away, looking at her medallion pager.

From the back of her catsuit: "rrrRRRIIPPPP!"

Jude/Joe (Stepping through the door): "Ashley, check your *back* door!"

Ashley/Jane (Going very red in the face under the wax coating on her skin): "Oops."

+++++

INT - Room 102, Shangri-La Hotel, night.

As "Bevins" leans over "Samantha's" dead body on the bed, he steps on some stage blood that has pooled on the floor. He slips, falls and hits his head on the bed.

"Bevins": "____ ____ ____ !!!"

"Samantha": Forgetting to be dead for a moment, she looks up. "You don't have to get THAT upset about it."

Jude Law/Joe (Looking innocent): "I had absolutely nothing to do with any of this."

+++++

EXT - Haddonfield, street, night

As Jude Law/Joe strides into the shadows of the alleyway, away from the passing police cruiser, and as he sets to work removing the ID tag from his chest (said tag is giving him a rash), a voice rings out from the offset:

William Hurt: "I know he couldn't have done it!"

Spielberg: "Wrong movie, Bill, *Dark City* was in 1998!"

Jude Law/Joe: "And at the risk of sounding vain, Rufus Sewell has nothing on me!"

+++++

EXT -The forest, night

The transport/garbage truck approaches and dumps into a hollow in the ground a load of shattered Mechas and Mecha parts.

As the derelict Mechas emerge from the woods and start digging through the heap, Haley Joel/David approaches the pit gingerly and stares at the pile.

Haley Joel/David (dead serious/terrified whisper, but with a gleam in his eye): "I see dead Mechas!"

+++++

EXT - Flesh Fair, Entrance, Night

As Teddy tries to crawl in under the turnstile and after the ticket-taker woman has caught him...

The ticket-taker woman (Calling to one of the Hounds): "Could you put this in the lost and found?"

She lobs Teddy to the Hound. He misses. Teddy sails out of the frame. We hear an awful smash.

The Hound: "Uh oh."

Spielberg (O.C.): "'Uh oh' is right; that was supposed to be one of the dummy bears!"

Sam Winston (O.C.): "One expensive animatronic bear down, how many more to go?"

+++++
 
EXT -- Flesh Fair concession stand/lost and found, night

Teddy leaps up in the box on the counter, trying to get out, trying
to rock it forward so he'll fall to the ground outside the stand. He
inadvertantly tilts it backwards, causing him and everything else in
the box to fall behind the counter.

Teddy: "Ow."

"The short order cook": "Whoops! Watch out y' don't fall in the fry-o-
later: I wouldn't wanna find I'd made a batch of fried bear."

Spielberg (O.C.): "You're getting close, Teddy, let's try that again..."

+++++++

EXT - Flesh Fair, Arena, Night

Spielberg, with his back to the rest of the arena, is giving a few last minute instructions to Haley Joel/David and Jude/Joe, who are now chained to the bag toss thing.

As the makeup artist is retouching Brendan Gleeson/Lord Johnson-Johnson, several of the derelict Mechas break out of the cage and sneak up on Gleeson/Lord J-J. They grab him and haul him bodily toward the cannon. With the help of some of the Hounds, they try to stuff him into the mouth of the cannon, but he doesn't fit: his backside is too wide.

Gleeson/Lord J-J: "Hey! Owch! Oof! Get yer bloody metal hands awff me! Maisther Shpielbeeerrrrrgg!"

Chris Rock/voice of the Comedian Mecha: "Okay, it's the thick mick's turn to get blasted through the propellar thingie!"

Jude Law/Joe (who has been astutely watching the proceedings over Steve's shoulder): "DEATH TO THE DEMON, LORD JOHNSON-JOHNSON!"

Spielberg (suddenly becoming aware of what's going on behind his back): "Uh, wrong movie, Jude. Hey, everybody! Put Gleeson down, now!"

"The welder Mecha" (waving his welding-torch arm): "Not until after I've done a little creative body art on 'um!"

+++++++
 
EXT -- Flesh Fair arena, night

As the crowd starts yelling ad lib and throwing beanbags, cups, empty
candy boxes, anything that isn't nailed down, at Brendan Gleeson/Lord
Johnson-Johnson, someone tosses a beanbag right in his face. Not the
shot seen in the film where it clips him on the nose and he kinda
ducks and chuckles nervously. This one hits him right in the mouth,
right in the ol' pie-hole and lodges there.

Brendan Gleeson/Lord J-J: [with beanbag still in his mouth] "Ugh!"
[Pulls it out] "Yucchh! Them things c'n hort loike th' divil!"

Spielberg (O.C.) "Oops! Cut! Let's try that again..."
 

+++++++++++

EXT: The forest, Barn Creek, Night

Haley Joel/David, with Teddy on his shoulders, is walking through the
woods, with Jude/Joe following them.

Teddy: "I see the moon."

Halye Joel/David: "Is it real?"

Teddy: "I don't know, David."

Haley Joel/David: "Is it coming?"

Teddy: "I can't tell yet."

Haley Joel/David: "Let's not walk this way."

As Haley Joel/David turns away, he doesn't spot a low-hanging branch
jutting out, which the set-dresser failed to trim back.

Jude/Joe: [breaking out of character] "Haley, where are you going?"

Haley Joel/David: [still in character] "This way now."

Just as he says this, he passes the branch ...which snags on Teddy's
fur, sweeping the bear right off Haley Joel's shoulders and dumping
Teddy onto the ground -- thmp!

Teddy: "Ow."

Haley Joel: [now very much aware of what happened] "Oops! Sorry,
Teddy."

A grip in the offset: "Now you're in bad trouble..."

Spielberg (Off-camera): "Cut! Someone take a hack-saw to that branch
before the next take."

+++++++
EXT -- Forest, Barn Creek, NIGHT

After Haley Joel/David and Jude Law/Gigolo Joe have escaped the Flesh Fair and are walking about in the woods where David is seeking the Blue Fairy, and Jude/Joe proposes they look for her in Rouge City:
Jude/Joe is backing toward the large puddle, preparatory to his
little soft-shoe riff splashing in the puddle:

Jude/Joe: "...Because you held my hand and saved my brain. Soonce
again my customers may ask for my by name 'Gigolo Joe, whattayaknow'!"

His heel skids on some wet leaves in the puddle and he goes over
backward, sitting down *hard* ::Splatt!::

Jude/Joe: "Oooops! Clumsy me!" Picks himself up and jauntily shakes
out the tails of his jacket, the water shedding quite easily (The
jacket, by the way, was woven out of black fishing line. Really.).

Someone in the offset (O.C.): (Teasing) "Some lover-robot you are!
Your equilibrium motivator must be shot."

Spielberg: "You okay there, Jude?"

Jude/Joe: "Yes, not a drop touched me!"

+++++++

EXT - Barn Creek, woods, night

Jude/Joe is balancing on the log as he and Haley Joel/David start their journey to Rouge City

Joe: "'All roads lead to Rouge City...Don't they just say that, hey? Don't they just?'"

As he leaps off, clicking his heels in mid-air, he leaps a little too hard and falls into the bushes with a loud, crackling thud.

Jude/Joe: "OOF!"

Haley Joe: (Sets down Teddy, grabs Jude by the ankles and tries to tug him out.): "Hey, Jude, you okay?"

Spielberg (O.C.): "What happened?"

Smart Aleck in the Offset: "Click yer heels three times and say, 'There's no place like home, there's no place like home...'"

Jude extricates himself and emerges from the bushes covered with leaves, twigs and pieces of bark.

Jude: "I'm all right, just somebody *please* help me get de-bushed."

Haley Joel and one of the makeup artists oblige.

Haley Joel: "You sure you're okay?"

Jude: "I'm in one piece, but that was the MOST uncomfortable bush I've ever chanced to fall into."
 
+++++++++++

EXT: The highway to Rouge City, Night

Joe, trying to finagle a ride to Rouge City from the Boys in the Car,
takes the holojector pen from his breast pocket of his jacket to
demonstrate... well... just what kind of Mecha-girls they'll find in
Rouge City. He switches it on, aiming it at the headrest of the front
seat.

Nothing. Kate the Hologram Girl does not appear, much less do her
hootchie-cootchie dance.

Jude/Joe: [playfully staying in character] "Hm. Our fine lady of the
night has decided to be shy. She must be in dire need of a new
battery."

"The Kid in the Driver's Seat": [playing along with Jude/Joe] "Nope,
sorry, pal: no girly, no drive-ee."

Spielberg (off-camera): "Talk about 'batteries not included'. Can
someone please find some double-A batteries, really quickly?"

+++++

EXT - Rouge City, Main Plaza. Night

One of the wardrobe people brushes some lint off the back of Jude Law's/Joe's jacket while Spielberg gives him a few last minute directions. Unbeknowns to both of them, the wardrobe tech also attaches something to the back of said jacket.

In the course of the shooting that follows, as Jude/Joe and Haley Joel/David are crossing the plaza, they keep getting interrupted by uproarious laughter from the offset, choked snickers and occasional guffaws from the "passersby" and "Rouge City wierdoes".

Spielberg (O.C.): "Cut! What is going on?!"

Jude: "Is it me?" Even Haley Joel is giggling now and he's been trying very hard to keep a straight face.

Spielberg (Realizing what's going on): "Jude, turn around."

Jude, staying somewhat in character and being mischievous, executes a deft pirouette.

Spielberg: "No, no, no, look over your shoulder."

Jude peers over his shoulder, then reaches back and detaches a piece of shirt cardboard taped there with electrician's tape, on which someone has written a message.

The sign: "This lover-Mecha is the sole and private property of Ms. Sadie Frost. Anyone caught handling it in an inappropriate manner in any way, shape, or form will be subject to prosecution."

Jude: "Hmm, one good way to keep the oglers at bay."
 
+++++
 
INT -- Cybertronics lab, early morning

Haley-Joel/David comes upon the rows of boxes with "David: A Love of
Your Own" and "Darlene: A Love of Your Own" and is standing between
them, staring at them. One of the boxes starts to shake by itself. He
turns. It stops shaking, then starts shaking again....

And then the box falls over, nearly hitting him, revealing the grip
[i.e., set crew-worker] who's kneeling down behind the boxes, shaking
this one particular box.

Grip: "OOPS! I guess I lost my grip on that box!"

+++++

INT - The Future: the Swinton House, 'Night'

As David lets the Specialist in, the taller Mecha knocks its head on the top of the doorway.

The Specialist: "OUCH!"

Ben Kingsley (O.C.): "Steven, I told you to tell the digital animators to design the Specialist to be closer to *my* size."
 
+++++

INT - The future: the Swinton House, "day"

As Frances O'Connor/"Monica" and Haley Joel/David are playing hide and seek with Teddy, and hide in the closet, Teddy somehow overshoots and goes for another closet. He opens the door. Hats and coats and vacuum cleaner attachments fall on him.

Haley Joel/David: "Psst! Teddy! Wrong closet!"