INT - Cybertronics, Day
As Hobby is doing his demonstration with Sheila as a visual aid:
William Hurt/Hobby : "Sheila, open?"
Sheila obligingly opens her mouth as far as it will go, tilting her
head back slightly as he presses the "release switch" on the roof of her mouth
Someone in the crowd of onlookers in the room: "Say 'Aahh'!"
Spielberg (O.C.): "Uh, that comes later in the film."
INT - The Swinton home, day
As Haley Joel Osment/David steps down to the hardwood floor, then
steps back to the carpeted stair, he doesn't notice a strategically placed furniture tack on the carpet.
Haley Joel/David (stepping on the tack): "OUCH!"
Sam Robards/Henry: "Hey, that wasn't there earlier!"
Spielberg (O.C.): "I think Jake Thomas had something to do with it."
Haley Joel/David (being a trooper as Frances O'Connor/Monica helps
him dislodge the tack from his sock): "I don't know if I like this floor any more."
INT -- The Swinton house, master bedroom, day
Swinton is making the bed, raising the sheet
to air it out briefly before tucking it in. But she doesn't raise it
high enough, and so the top of Haley-Joel Osment/David's head
can be seen over the edge of the sheet as he scurries into
Spielberg (O.C.): "Oops! Too low, Frances, I can see Haley's head."
"Is it a game?" (kidding)
INT - The Swinton Home, Day
Frances O'Connor/Monica is sitting on the floor near the closet where
she's locked Haley Joel/David earlier.
She gets up and goes to open the door: she lifts the latch, tugs
on it. It's locked.
Frances: "Oh no." She rattles the latch; Haley Joel taps on the inside
of the glass.
Spielberg (O.C.): "Anything wrong?"
Frances: "The door's locked."
Haley Joel: Still being a trooper, but having fun with it. "If this
is a game, it ain't no fun any more."
Spielberg (O.C.): "Someone get the key!"
INT -- The Swinton home, Martin's room, DAY
has just proposed the contest to see which one Teddy goes to first. He and Haley Joel/David call back and forth to Teddy,
who starts to get flustered. Frances O'Connor/Monica walks through the room with an armload of clean laundry, so Teddy calls
out to her.
Teddy: "Mommy!" He runs toward her as she passes by the round yellow cushion-like chair/stool thing near
the bathroom door. He tries
jumping onto the cushion to get closer to her, but... he doesn't jump
far enough and ends
up falling flat on his tummy. ::Plop!!::
Spielberg (O.C.): "Cut! Let's try that again, Teddy, from... running
the yellow cushion."
Teddy: "Mommy!" He runs toward Monica again as she passes by the
cushion. He tries jumping onto the cushion to get close
to her, but... this time he jumps too hard and sails over the
landing on the other side. ::Ploomp!::
Jake/Martin and Haley Joel/David burst into giggles.
"Cut! Let's try that another time, Teddy; you're
INT -- The Swinton home dining room, DAY
The Swinton family
is having dinner. Jake Thomas/Martin has just been tricking Haley Joel Osment/David into eating spinach. What Haley Joel/David
isn't aware of is that the caterers who cooked up the
batch of spinach accidently added too much pepper to the dish.
Joel/David: (Mouth still chock-full of spinach) "Uh...uh... ah-
SHLOOOFF!!!" Spinach goes splattering out of his mouth
and all *over* the table.
Spielberg (O.C.): "Cut! What on earth happened? You okay there,
(As the set dressers/wardrobe lady are hurrying in
to clean up the splattered spinach from the table/floor/ front of
shirt) "Too much pepper!"
Jake/Martin: "Mr. Spielberg, can we leave that part in? It would make
the movie a lot
Spielberg: "Sorry, Jake, it would disrupt the scene... But I promise
we'll show it at the wrap party,
along with the rest of the funny
EXT - The Swinton pool, day
As the kids climb out of the pool and crowd around Haley Joel/David,
the big one called "Todd" in advertantly slips and falls back into the water--SPLOOK!!!
Jake Thomas/Martin: "Hey, that's supposed to happen to ME!"
Haley Joel/David: "I didn't do it."
Someone in the offset: "THAT'S what you get for picking on someone
smaller'n you--who ain't the same species!"
"Todd" (climbing out of the water): "You're supposed to pull Jake
into the water, not me, fiberhead!--Oh, sorry, Haley."
INT -- The Shangri-La Hotel lobby, night
is chatting with "Mr. Williamson".
Jude/Joe: "Hello, Mr. Williamson. Place a DND on room one-oh-two,
Williamson": "Sure thing."
He reaches for the key on the rack on the wall to his left. As he
does so, the key slips
out of his hand and drops to the floor --
"Mr. Williamson": "Dang it." He bends down and starts
the floor to find it.
Jude/Joe hides an amused smile behind his hand.
The same grip who's been
making comments from the offset: "Stupid
"Mr. Williamson": [Finding the key and standing up] "What was that?"
[Utterly innocent] "I didn't say anything.
INT - Hotel room, Haddonfield, Night
Just as Jude Law/Joe is leaning over "Patricia":
Jude/Joe: You deserve much better in your life...you deserve...me."
Somehow Jude slips (not enough traction between the knees of his
trousers and the bedspread?) and falls off the bed. At the exact same moment he hits the floor, one of the camera crew in
the offset drops a roll of film, which crashes and bangs around on the floor.
Jude/Joe (still on the floor): "I'm all right! I'm aaall right!"
"Patricia": "Hey, Jude, was that awful crash the sound of your cute
metal tush hitting the floor?"
Jude (getting up, rubbing said tush which is aching terribly, not
having much insulation): "Very funny, very funny."
EXT - Haddonfield, street, before the Shangri-La Hotel, Night
Ashley Scott/Jane: "Hey, Joe, whaddya know?"
Jude/Joe (Over his shoulder): "Hey, Jane, how's the game?"
Ashley/Jane sashays away, looking at her medallion pager.
From the back of her catsuit: "rrrRRRIIPPPP!"
Jude/Joe (Stepping through the door): "Ashley, check your *back*
Ashley/Jane (Going very red in the face under the wax coating on
her skin): "Oops."
INT - Room 102, Shangri-La Hotel, night.
As "Bevins" leans over "Samantha's" dead body on the bed, he steps
on some stage blood that has pooled on the floor. He slips, falls and hits his head on the bed.
"Bevins": "____ ____ ____ !!!"
"Samantha": Forgetting to be dead for a moment, she looks up. "You
don't have to get THAT upset about it."
Jude Law/Joe (Looking innocent): "I had absolutely nothing to do
with any of this."
EXT - Haddonfield, street, night
As Jude Law/Joe strides into the shadows of the alleyway, away from
the passing police cruiser, and as he sets to work removing the ID tag from his chest (said tag is giving him a rash), a voice
rings out from the offset:
William Hurt: "I know he couldn't have done it!"
Spielberg: "Wrong movie, Bill, *Dark City* was in 1998!"
Jude Law/Joe: "And at the risk of sounding vain, Rufus Sewell has
nothing on me!"
EXT -The forest, night
The transport/garbage truck approaches and dumps into a hollow in
the ground a load of shattered Mechas and Mecha parts.
As the derelict Mechas emerge from the woods and start digging through
the heap, Haley Joel/David approaches the pit gingerly and stares at the pile.
Haley Joel/David (dead serious/terrified whisper, but with a gleam
in his eye): "I see dead Mechas!"
EXT - Flesh Fair, Entrance, Night
As Teddy tries to crawl in under the turnstile and after the ticket-taker
woman has caught him...
The ticket-taker woman (Calling to one of the Hounds): "Could you
put this in the lost and found?"
She lobs Teddy to the Hound. He misses. Teddy sails out of the frame.
We hear an awful smash.
The Hound: "Uh oh."
Spielberg (O.C.): "'Uh oh' is right; that was supposed to be one
of the dummy bears!"
Sam Winston (O.C.): "One expensive animatronic bear down, how many
more to go?"
EXT -- Flesh Fair concession stand/lost and found, night
leaps up in the box on the counter, trying to get out, trying
to rock it forward so he'll fall to the ground outside the
inadvertantly tilts it backwards, causing him and everything else in
the box to fall behind the counter.
"The short order cook": "Whoops! Watch out y' don't fall in the fry-o-
later: I wouldn't wanna find I'd made
a batch of fried bear."
Spielberg (O.C.): "You're getting close, Teddy, let's try that again..."
EXT - Flesh Fair, Arena, Night
Spielberg, with his back to the rest of the arena, is giving a few
last minute instructions to Haley Joel/David and Jude/Joe, who are now chained to the bag toss thing.
As the makeup artist is retouching Brendan Gleeson/Lord Johnson-Johnson,
several of the derelict Mechas break out of the cage and sneak up on Gleeson/Lord J-J. They grab him and haul him bodily toward
the cannon. With the help of some of the Hounds, they try to stuff him into the mouth of the cannon, but he doesn't fit: his
backside is too wide.
Gleeson/Lord J-J: "Hey! Owch! Oof! Get yer bloody metal hands awff
me! Maisther Shpielbeeerrrrrgg!"
Chris Rock/voice of the Comedian Mecha: "Okay, it's the thick mick's
turn to get blasted through the propellar thingie!"
Jude Law/Joe (who has been astutely watching the proceedings over
Steve's shoulder): "DEATH TO THE DEMON, LORD JOHNSON-JOHNSON!"
Spielberg (suddenly becoming aware of what's going on behind his
back): "Uh, wrong movie, Jude. Hey, everybody! Put Gleeson down, now!"
"The welder Mecha" (waving his welding-torch arm): "Not until after
I've done a little creative body art on 'um!"
EXT -- Flesh Fair arena, night
As the crowd starts yelling ad
lib and throwing beanbags, cups, empty
candy boxes, anything that isn't nailed down, at Brendan Gleeson/Lord
someone tosses a beanbag right in his face. Not the
shot seen in the film where it clips him on the nose and he kinda
and chuckles nervously. This one hits him right in the mouth,
right in the ol' pie-hole and lodges there.
Gleeson/Lord J-J: [with beanbag still in his mouth] "Ugh!"
[Pulls it out] "Yucchh! Them things c'n hort loike th' divil!"
(O.C.) "Oops! Cut! Let's try that again..."
EXT: The forest, Barn Creek, Night
Joel/David, with Teddy on his shoulders, is walking through the
woods, with Jude/Joe following them.
Teddy: "I see
Halye Joel/David: "Is it real?"
Teddy: "I don't know, David."
Haley Joel/David: "Is it coming?"
"I can't tell yet."
Haley Joel/David: "Let's not walk this way."
As Haley Joel/David turns away, he doesn't
spot a low-hanging branch
jutting out, which the set-dresser failed to trim back.
Jude/Joe: [breaking out of character]
"Haley, where are you going?"
Haley Joel/David: [still in character] "This way now."
Just as he says this, he
passes the branch ...which snags on Teddy's
fur, sweeping the bear right off Haley Joel's shoulders and dumping
onto the ground -- thmp!
Haley Joel: [now very much aware of what happened] "Oops! Sorry,
grip in the offset: "Now you're in bad trouble..."
Spielberg (Off-camera): "Cut! Someone take a hack-saw to that branch
the next take."