A Series of Insane Fanfics: "The Stupid Sequel"

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The "A.I.: Artificial Intelligence" Fanfiction Online Anthology

Scar Hens

                 Donna Garner

                                         David Swinton   

                                                                Gigolo Joe & Gigolo Jane



                                                                                                                                                            Dr. Stupid

                                                                                                                                                                        And Introducing

                                                                                                                                                                        The Party Squirrel


The BIG Ass Crow


                                             A Chicken Person Fanfic





Chicken Person: (standing in a dark room behind a microphone) Is this thing on?


Camera Man: Yes.


Chicken Person: Okay, this is the STUPID SEQUEL to "Survivor: Haddonfield". It is a "Scary Movie" parody with an "A.I." twist to it! Basically, the "A.I." characters which include David, Joe, Sheila, and Claudette (the mecha nanny), along with my own characters, such as: Scar Hens, Donna Garner, Dr. Stupid, The Party Squirrel, & The BIG Ass Crow, are lucky enough to be the center of attention of everyone's favorite horror movie dudes! Like Samara Morgan (The Ring), Reverend Kane (Poltergeist), Freddie Kruger (Nightmare on Elm Street, Freddie vs. Jason), Chucky (Child's Play), his wife, Tiffany (The Bride of Chucky), & a scene at the Pet Sematary (Pet Sematary 1 &2)! Have a creepy good time readin' this fanfic! If ya'll are wondering, "Survivor: Haddonfield" is the first fic in a series I'm writing called... uh... I forget what it was called.


Scar Hens: (appears out of nowhere) It's called A Series of Insane Fanfics.


Chicken Person: Riiiiight. Party Squirrel, show the nice readers the disclaimer.


Party Squirrel: Okay. (holds up sign that says: Chicken Person doesn't own anything except Scar Hens, Donna Garner, Dr. Stupid, the BIG Ass Crow, & the Party Squirrel)



Section One: Poltergeist    Chapter One: Welcome to the Mecha House


   (A BIG Ass Crow is flying around a house looking for junkfood and/or booze.)


BIG Ass Crow: Caw. (goes into a room that has a sign on the door saying "Keep Out". A 12 year-old mecha child is sleeping on the bed, holding a bag of Potato Chips)


Donna: (falls off of bed) Shit! I was just about to win that $8,000! (scratches head) I'm tired. (goes back to sleep. B.A.C. comes over to her and gets bag of potato chips stuck on his head.)


Scar: (off camera) Uh huh. That's what Davy did with the $10,000 he won from being the Survivor. The lucky bastard bought us all a house. By us, I mean myself, my hot girlfriend Donna, Joe, and the fighting assholes called Sheila & Claudette. Davy also bought a big crow & a drunk squirrel from PetsMart. I don't know why Chicken Person didn't let me be a castaway last time. Maybe it's cuz I was high all the way through "Survivor: Haddonfield". Oh well. On with the show!


B.A.C: CAW! (gets bag off of head) Damn mother fuckin' damn bag. (goes out to hallway. goes into another room. there is another mecha child sleeping on the bed. The crow doesn't see anything of his interest in the room, so he goes across the hallway to his nest.)


Scar: (wakes up. Sees feathers on the carpet) Damn crow! I thought I told him not to come in here! (goes back to sleep)


            (David wakes up, goes out of his room, and downstairs)


David: (walks up to TV that is on, making that staticey noise) Eleven. I don't know. Yes! I don't know. (yelling) Speak louder! Speak louder I can't hear you!


            (Joe, Jane, Claudette, Sheila, Scar, & Donna come downstairs)


Scar, Donna, & Claudette: O.o


            NEXT DAY


            (Dr. Stupid is riding his tricycle down the street. He is carrying beer.)


Dr. Stupid: Meatloaf! Meatloaf! We all love Meatloaf Crunch! Meatloaf! Meatloaf! We all love Meatloaf Crunch! (some little kids with a remote control car make the car go in front of Dr. Stupid's tricycle) SHIT! (wrecks into a tree. beer cans explode)


Little Kids: (laughing and pointing at Dr. Stupid)


            (Dr. Stupid goes into David's house carrying the blown up cans of beer. Claudette & Sheila are fighting over buttered toast. Donna is raiding the fridge.)


Donna: (Dr. Stupid runs past her into the living room) Holy shit! What are you doing?!


Claudette: My buttered toast! (trying to rip piece of buttered toast away from Sheila)


Sheila: Mine!


Claudette: Mine!


Sheila: Mine! Mine! Mine!


Claudette: Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!


Sheila: MINE!


Claudette: MINE MINE!




Claudette: Mine infinity!


Both: MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (toast rips in half. both stare at eachother. Then get into a cat fight)


Donna: Get a life. Both of you.


            (Joe, Scar, the Party Squirrel, the BIG Ass Crow, Gigolo Jane, Professor Hobby, & the Welder Mecha named Rodent Rob are watching Football in the living room. Dr. Stupid comes in)

Dr. Stupid: Sorry I'm am late! (sets beer on the table)


Joe: Come on Packers!


Scar: Go Broncos! Go!

Rodent Rob: Dammit Winston! Can't you do anything right?!


Dr. Stupid: DON'T CALL ME WINTSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Professor Hobby: (All of a sudden, Teletubbies comes on TV) What the fuck is this?


Scar: (kicks TV) I wanna watch football! Not some lame-ass kids show!


Jane: (finds remote and switches the channel back to football) Okay there's the game! (Teletubbies comes back on TV) SHIT!


B.A.C: CAW! (translation: Who the fuck are these crazay mutha fuckas?)


Party Squirrel: Aw, nuts!


Rodent Rob: Come on! I bet my welding arm on this game!


Joe: It's the neighbors. They have the same remote as we do! (goes outback)


            (Lord Johnson-Johnson comes out of the house next door)


Lord Johnson-Johnson: What is going on, mecha?


Joe: Good question, I was just gonna ask you! Me 'n my buddies wanna watch football, but them gay ass teletubbies keep taking over the idiot box!


Lord Johnson-Johnson: Well, I wanna watch Teletubbies!


Joe: (scared look on face) Get the hell away from me! (changes Lord J-J's tv channel to the football game. Lord J-J changes Joe's tv channel to the gay helletubbies. Joe changes both tv channels to football. then smashes Lord J-J's remote)


Lord Johnson-Johnson: O.O How DARE you! I'm moving! (moving van comes and takes him away)


Section One    Chapter Two: Saying Goodnight to the Inhabitants of the House


 (that night, Joe & Jane are talking about David's behavior. It is storming outside)


Jane: David's been actin' really wierd lately.


Joe: I know, it's like he's high or something!


Jane: Maybe it was a bad idea for us to let him buy that Party Squirrel.


Joe: (nods)


            (David is in his room scared of the storm)


David: I hate storms. I wish I could buy the weather with my money. (lightining strikes) HOLY CRAP! (runs out of his room and into Joe's and Jane's room)


Joe: (looks at Jane) I love you!


Jane: (looks at Joe) I love you!


David: (comes in) I'm afraid of the storm, Joe!


Joe: Huh?


David: I'm afraid of the storm!


Joe: Okay, well, uh... start countin' when you see some lightning. When you hear the thunder stop. Each time you can count higher, that means the storms goin' away.


David: Okay. (B.A.C comes in and flies right into the wall)


BIG Ass Crow: CAW! CAW! CAW!


Joe: (grabs the Crow and throws him in the trash)


B.A.C: Caw?


Joe: David, I have had it with that damn bird! If you don't teach it to stay in his nest, he's goin' to the Pet Sematary!


David: The what?


Joe: The Pet Sematary!


David: Riiight. The Pet Sematary. You know, the Pet Sematary! We were all there! Ooh! And Biggy was there too! Oh, good times. Good times.


Jane: Who the hell's Biggy?


David: The BIG Ass crow! I named him Biggy! (picks up B.A.C out of the trash)


B.A.C: CAW! (pecks David in the head)


David: Ow! Bad crow! Bad! (puts BIG Ass Crow back in the trash)


Jane: No! Nonononono! Not in our room! (takes the crow out of the trash [again] and throws him in the hallway)


B.A.C: CAW! (translation: No respect. No respect at all!)(goes into nest)


Joe: (picks up David and takes him to his room. puts David on his bed) Good-night, David.


David: Good-night Joe. (Joe leaves)


            (Joe is walking down the hallway, he opens Sheila's bedroom door)


Sheila: Oh shit! (hides phone under blankets)


Joe: 'Night, Sheila. (closes door)


Sheila: 'Night, Joe.


Joe: (opens door [again]) Sheila get off the damn phone. (closes door)


Sheila: (flips off Joe before he shuts the door)


Joe: (opens door [again]) I saw that, Bitch. If you don't get off the phone, I'll have the BIG Ass Crow in here!


Sheila: (puts away phone and shuts up)


Joe: (closes door. opens door to Scar's room. Scar, Donna, Claudette, & The Party Squirrel are playing spin the bottle) Good-night.


Party Squirrel: Drugs...


Joe: Claudette, Donna, and Party Squirrel! Don't play spin the bottle without the BIG Ass Crow! Wait, where's Scar and Donna? (goes into room. opens closet)


Scar: (holding Donna and kissing her)


Joe: Love a duck!


Scar: (looks up. Drops Donna on her head)


Donna: SHIT! Who the hell opened the door?!


Joe: You two, no making out in the closet!


Scar: But... but...


Joe: Scar Hens!


Scar: THE PARTY SQUIRREL MADE US DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (starts crying like a little baby)


Donna: IT WAS THE SQUIRREL'S IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (starts crying like Scar)


Joe: Both of you are to clean up after the BIG Ass Crow for a month!


Scar & Donna: Not the crow!


Joe: Oh, yes. (remembers Claudette is in the room) Claudette! What kind of nanny are you?! Letting two teenagers make out in a closet!?


Claudette: But I figured they'd like it!


Joe: Wanna hear a knock-knock joke?


Claudette: YEAH!!!!!!!!!! Claudette like joke!


Joe: Knock-Knock!


Claudette: WHO'S THERE?!!!!!


Joe: Party Squirrel!




Joe: I'm gonna hitchu upside the head wit' da Party Squirrel!


Claudette: Huh?


Joe: (picks up the Party Squirrel and hits Claudette in the head with him)


Claudette: Good un!


Scar: Cool!


Party Squirrel: Not cool!


Joe: (leaves. goes to his room)


Scar: He's gone!


Donna: Cool!


Claudette: Tell me a knock knock joke!


Party Squirrel: Screw you!


Claudette: Why?


Party Squirrel: Doh! (hits himself in the head with a bottle of beer. looks at beer bottle) Is this Coors light? It is! (drinks. passes out)


Claudette: (grabs bottle from the squirrel) Aw man! He drank it all! (looks at Scar and Donna) You two! Make out session, now!


Scar & Donna: (start kissing [again])

              Chapter Three: "They're Here."


            (David ended up staying in Joe and Jane's room. The TV goes off)


David: (wakes up. Goes over to TV) Hello. I'm David. (touches TV)


TV: Go to hell!


David: (screams)


Joe & Jane: (wake up) What the fuck?!


            (house shakes. ghosts come out of the TV)


David: (turns around) Theeeeeeey're Heeeeeeeeere.


            NEXT MORNING


(David, Scar, Donna, Claudette, Sheila & the Party Squirrel are sitting at the table)


Jane: (walks over to table) David, do you remember when you said "they're here."


David: Uh-huh.


Jane: Well... who's here?


Claudette: He's stoned.


Party Squirrel: I am!


Scar: We know.


David: The TV people are here.


Donna: Ya know, maybe a fault line runs right under our house!


            (BIG Ass Crow flies into the room & crashes into the fridge)


BIG Ass Crow: CAW! [translation: I need a vacation.]


Jane: I have about had it with that damn bird. It's got brain damage or something!


David: Really?


Claudette: Yeees.


David: Oh.


Scar: Dumb ass crow! It ruined the magnets I arranged on the fridge!


Donna: Who cares?


Scar: ME!


David: Jane, can I have a Good Guy doll?


Party Squirrel: What the fuck is a Good Guy doll?


David: You know! The Good Guys! Ya know, on TV?!


Party Squirrel: Don't know. Don't care. (drinks beer) (singing) I was gonna clean my room! Until I got high! I was gonna go to school! Until I got high! My room still isn't cleaned! And I know why! Because I got high! Because I got high! Because I got high! (drinks beer again)


Claudette: He's one dreamy squirrel.


Sheila: Huh?


Claudette: Nothing!


Scar: Do Good Guy dolls bite?


David: No! They don't bite!


Jane: I'll think about getting ya one.


Sheila: Wait, what happened to Teddy?


David: He moved to Washington and became the first bear president!


Everyone: Ooooh. Cool!




Soldier: Teddy, when do you want us to bring Lord Johnson-Johnson here for interogation?


Teddy: Now!


Soldier: All right, men! Let's go! Move! Move! Move! (leads group of soldiers to go find Lord J-J)


             Chapter Four: Break Dancing Chairs


            (David is sitting at the table throwing Fruit Loops at the Party Squirrel. Claudette is laughing at them)


Claudette: (looks at David) You are so obnoxous! You drive me nuts! (throws buttered toast at David)


Party Squirrel: (throws Fruit Loops at David)


David: Force field! (holds up cereal box. Gets hit with fruit loops anyway) Crap!

Jane: (walks out of room)


            (Chairs make David, Party Squirrel, & Claudette fly across the room)


Claudette: What the fuck?


Party Squirrel: What the hell's up with that?!


            (Jane comes back into the room and drops the box of trash)


Jane: (screams)


David: What?


Jane: (sees chairs which are scattered across the room) I thought I told Claudette and the Party Squirrel not to play musical chairs in the kitchen!


Claudette: But musical chairs is fun!


David: They're innocent.


Jane: Did you do this?


David: Does it look like I did it?


Jane: Yep.


David: The TV people did it.


Jane: Where the hell are they?!


            (BIG Ass Crow flies into the room and goes out the window)


BIG Ass Crow: CAW! (falls into hornet's nest)


David: I don't know where they are.


            (The chairs are now on the kitchen table)


Jane: That damn bird! Look what he did now! Moving chairs!


David: The TV people did it.


Jane: Really?


            (Scar & Donna come into the room and trip over the Party Squirrel)


Scar: SHIT! (falls face first on the ground)


Party Squirrel: No respect! No respect at all! Exit stage left! (runs right into a wall and falls over)


David: (holds up sign that has a 9 on it) I'll give that performance a nine.


Donna: (sees the chairs) Cool chairs!


            (chairs start break dancing)


Party Squirrel: (gets up) BREAK DANCING CHAIRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah! Party Squirrel in da house! Hee! (starts break dancing)


Jane: I'm scared.


David: Go P-Squirrel! Go!


Scar: Jinkies!


Donna & Claudette: DANCE FLOOR! (both start dancing)


Claudette: (thinking) Maybe the squirrely will dance with me.


Donna: (grabs Scar and starts dancing with him)


Scar: Suga Suga!


Donna: You're my shorty boy!


            (Joe comes into the room)


Joe: (holds up video tape) Look what I rented from Block Buster!


BIG Ass Crow: (flies into the room through the window) CAW! [translation: Let's watch it, Daddy-O!]


Donna: To the living room!


            Chapter Five: The Tape That May Cause Death


            (all go into the living room and sit on the couch. Joe puts in the tape)


[a circle comes on TV. Then a woman brushing her hair in a mirror. Then a dead pig. Then...]


Woman on TV: (falls off of cliff. Hits tree branch sticking out of cliff.) Oh shit. (falls off of tree branch)


[a wasp nest comes on TV. Then an upside down chair spinning in circles.]


Man on TV: (sees chair. rides on it) Weeeeeeeeeeee! (flies off chair and hits the camera.) Ow.


[a well is on TV then a girl falling into the well. then the circle. TV goes off)


Scar, Donna, & Claudette: I'M SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!! (hug eachother)


Joe: It's just a stupid movie!


            (the phone rings)


David: (answers phone) Gateway to hell, Lucifer speaking.


Samara Morgan: Is the Party Squirrel there?


David: (throws phone at the Party Squirrel) It's for you.


Party Squirrel: Is it a chick?


David: (rolls eyes)


Party Squirrel: Hello?


Samara Morgan: 7 days... (coughs) 7 days...


Party Squirrel: 'Til what?


Samara Morgan: You all die! (laughs evilly) DIE! (hangs up phone)


Party Squirrel: (drops phone) WE'RE GONNA DIE!


Everyone: (screams)


Party Squirrel: WE'RE GONNA DIE!


Scar: When?



Party Squirrel: (calmly takes a drink of beer) 7 DAYS!


Everyone: (screams)




Sheila: (smacks Party Squirrel with the newspaper) Get a hold of yourself. We've got 7 whole days.


Party Squirrel: 7 DAYS!!!!!!!!!


Joe: Wow. He's unusually extra high today.


Scar: Yep.


Donna: I wonder what he's been smokin'.


Claudette: Who cares? He's good lookin' for a squirrel who's on drugs!


Donna: (stares)


Claudette: What?


Party Squirrel: GONE FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Jane: (hits the party squirrel with a telephone pole.) Shut. Up.


Party Squirrel: Okay.


Jane: Good Party Squir-


Party Squirrel: 7 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Jane: Oh shit.




David: (hits Party Squirrel in the head with a baseball bat) SHUT UP!


Party Squirrel: 7 days... forever... gone... chickens... me... booze... ciggerettes... weed... wine... (falls off of the couch)



Chapter Six: The Good Guy Doll




            (Jane comes into the house with a big box)


Jane: David! I've got a surprise for you!


David: (comes into the room) Yeah?


            (The BIG Ass Crow flies into the room)


BIG Ass Crow: CAW! [translation: Got anythin' fo me?] (lands on couch)


Jane: (sees the crow) BAD CROW! BAD!


BIG Ass Crow: Caw?


Jane: Go to your nest!


BIG Ass Crow: Caw. (flies to hallway. Runs into Sheila) CAW!


Sheila: CAW!


BIG Ass Crow: CAW!


Sheila: CAW!


BIG Ass Crow: CAW!


Jane: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!! (gives David his present)


David: (opens present) A Good Guy! (holds up doll)


Doll: Hi! I'm Chucky! And I'm your friend til the end! Hidey Ho! Ha ha ha!


Sheila: THATS THAT BASTARD CHARLES LEE RAY!!!!!!!!! (points to doll)


David: (looks at Chucky. screams)


Chucky: Don't drop me! (gets dropped on his head) Shit!


Jane: Rud doll!


Chucky: (flips off Jane.) Asshole! (scurries under couch)


Sheila: What the fuck?!


BIG Ass Crow: CAW!


David: Chucky sure loves the couch!


Party Squirrel: (kicks Chucky out from under couch) Get the fuck outta here, ya fuckin' doll!


Chucky: Freakin' squirrel.


Party Squirrel: What's up the doll? It's not the shiznit!


David: Chucky! Put down that knife!


Jane: Chucky has a knife?!


Sheila: Where the hell'd he get that?


Party Squirrel: The kitchen! Duh!


Chucky: Diemuthafuckas! Weeeeeeeeeee! (throws knife at Party Squirrel. It skins his tail)


Party Squirrel: Hey whoa whoa whoa hey! Easy wit' da tail, dolly! (rubs tail)


Jane: Where is the love?


Party Squirrel: Us squirrels just wanna get down!

                      Smokin' ta represent yo town!


Jane: Quit singing!


Party Squirrel: Man, tha's one fly ass song!


Jane: What the fuck are you smoking, Party Squirrel?


Party Squirrel: All of it, tootse!


Chapter Seven: The Pet Sematary


            (Donna, Scar, and the Party Squirrel are in the kitchen. Donna is holding a machine gun)


Party Squirrel: Let's get it started! (gun fires)


Scar: DONNA GARNER! You shot the Party Squirrel!


Donna: I did?


Scar: YES you did, you trigger happy bitch!


Donna: I'm not a trigger happy bitch!


Scar: You're right. You're just insane.


Donna: Well, what are we gonna do about the squirrel?


Scar: What do you mean we?


Donna: Oh God! (picks up Party Squirrel corpse) I shot him right in the nose too!


Scar: I don't see what's so damn important about some drunk squirrel!


Donna: Claudette was dating that drunk squirrel!


Scar: She was?


Donna: More than likely. You saw her checking out his ass yesterday!


Scar: That's just gross! A nanny mecha checking out some dumb ass squirrel's ass!


Donna: It's not just gross! It's wrong!


Scar: We can bury him in the Pet Sematary!


Donna: What the hell's the Pet Sematary?


Scar: You bury things there, and they come back to life. It's indian burial grounds.


Donna: You sure this'll work?


Scar: Yeah. The Pet Sematary is behind this house. The BIG Ass Crow just left to go there not too long ago.


Donna: Ya mean, I've gotta go THERE, ALONE, WITH THAT BIG ASS CROW?!


Scar: You bury your own.


Donna: You're comin' with me! (grabs Scar's arm and drags him outside)


(The two mecha childs walk down the path to the Sematary and find a shovel)


Scar: This shovel will do just fine!


Donna: With what?


Scar: Burying the squirrel! Duh!


            (An hour and 6 minutes later, they reach the burial grounds)


Donna: Are we there yet?!


Scar: YES! (gives Donna the shovel)


Donna: (digs hole) This sucks.


Scar: (is holding squirrel corpse and poking it) Wierd.


Donna: Gimme that! (grabs corpse and throws it in the hole) That's better.


Scar: He looks so peaceful! Ya know, maybe we should just leave 'im here. He isn't too annoying when he's dead.


Donna: You're right. But Claudette will slaughter us if she finds out I killed the Party Squirrel. (throws dirt and rocks on the Party Squirrel's grave)


Scar: What if Claudette finds out?


Donna: She won't.


Scar: Oh, but if she does...


            (Donna imagines what will happen.)


(Scar and Donna go into the house. Claudette is waiting by the door with an ax)


Claudette: Heeeeeeeeerrrrrre's Claudette! (chops Scar into pieces with the ax) You muthafuckas killed my boy-squirrel-friend!


Donna: HOLY SHIT!!!!!!


Scar: This really sucks!


Donna: Claudette! You killed my boyfriend!


Claudette: Goodbye, Donna! (swings ax at Donna)


            (Back to what's really happening)


Donna: (screaming)


Scar: What?


Donna: Nothing. Let's go back home. (they both go back to the house)


Chapter Eight: Donna's Dream


            (Donna is in the Pet Sematary)


Donna: Scar! Scar where are you!? Scar!


            (something is moving in the bushes)


Donna: Scar! I hope that's you! (goes over to bushes. The Party Squirrel jumps on her face) GET IT OFF ME!


Party Squirrel: Let's get this party started, Donna! (kisses her, then goes off into the woods)


Donna: You fuckin' squirrel! This is all your fault! (goes after Party Squirrel)


            (Claudette is sitting on a giant golden toilet holding a golden plunger wearing a crown shaped like toilet paper. The BIG Ass Crow is hanging from a red light. Sheila is missing part of her head, and an arm [sorta like Claudette before she was repaired]. David is wearing a sailor suit. Joe and Jane are polishing statues of the Party Squirrel. Chucky is in the trash. And Scar is holding a chicken. Both Scar and the chicken [Scar's chicken's name is Fred] have axes sticking out of their heads)


Scar: Donna, honey, I thought you loved me!


Fred: BAK! BAK!


Claudette: DONNA GARNER! YOU KILLED MY SQUIRREL! (points plunger at Donna) You should be ashamed!


Donna: It wasn't me, Claudette! Chucky did it!


Chucky, Party Squirrel, & BIG Ass Crow:  Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!


Donna: Claudette, you bitch! You lodged axes in Scar and Fred's heads!


Claudette: I'm your nanny from hell, Donna! You have to do what I say! (evil laugh) Get 'er, squirrels!


            (an army of squirrels on drugs fall out of the sky and attack Donna)


Donna: (screams) Scooby-Doo! Where are you!?


Donna: (wakes up screaming) I didn't do it! Bad dream! BAD DREAM!


            (door creaks open)

Donna: Who the fuck? (grabs a baseball bat that appears out of nowhere) Who the hell's out there? (something scurries under Donna's bed. Donna looks under the bed and screams)


Thing under bed: (screams)


Donna: (pulls it out from under the bed and bashes it with the baseball bat) DIE! DIE! DIE!


Party Squirrel: QUIT HITTING ME! Donna! It's me! The Party Squirrel, remember?

Donna: (quits hitting the Party Squirrel) You're dead.



Party Squirrel: I'm not dead, I'm lookin' for some booze! You got any under your bed?


Donna: I don't drink. If I were you, I'd go check in Claudette's room.


Party Squirrel: Okay! (leaves)


Donna: (falls over)


Chapter Nine: Party Squirrel vs. Weed

(The Party Squirrel found some booze and made it safely back to his room.)


Party Squirrel: (holding marijauna plant and watering it with booze) There ya go, little plant. You drink all this here booze and you'll be smoked by all the rappers and me! (puts plant on the window sill.) 'Night, Little Plant. (puts a CD in the stereo. The CD is called "Ghetto Lullabies". The sounds of cop sirens, dogs barking, and gunshots fill the room) I don't know what I'd do without my Ghetto Lullabies! (goes to sleep)


Plant: (grows to 10 feet tall. Breaks flower pot) Grr!


Party Squirrel: (wakes up) Oh, hello, Weed! (Weed picks him up) Hey!


Plant: ROAR!


Party Squirrel: No! NO! Weed, it's me! The Party Squirrel!


Plant: (wraps Party Squirrel up in giant paper)


            (Claudette, Scar, and Donna come into the room)


Scar: What's goin' on in here?


Donna: WHAT IS HAPPENING????!!!!!!


Claudette: Oh my God! Party Squirrel!


Plant: (lightning strikes, catching the Party Squirrel's tail on fire.) Smoke... (smokes Party Squirrel)


Scar: Hold on, Party Squirrel! We'll rescue you! (goes out of room)


Party Squirrel: Don't rescue me just yet! I'm gettin' high as a mutha fucka!




Claudette: Somebody save my squirrelly papa!


Scar: (comes back into room holding Doral ciggerettes, root beer, and cheetos) Weed! Weed! Put down the Party Squirrel!


Donna: Put the Party Squirrel down! Now!


Scar: Put the squirrel down, and I'll give you cigs, pop, and junkfood)


Plant: Okay. (puts down the Party Squirrel and takes junkfood from Scar.)


(Lightning strikes and the Plant disappears)


Scar: (carries Party Squirrel to the hallway) I smell burnt squirrel.


Donna: So do I! It doesn't smell real good.


Claudette: (puts giant ice cube on Party Squirrel's tail) Please be alright!


Party Squirrel: COLD!!!!!!! (jumps up and down) Ice cold!


Claudette: Ya know, the Party Squirrel's kinda cute when he's high!


Donna: What?


Claudette: Nothing.


Donna: Scar! You saved the squirrel!


Scar: I'm a hero!


Party Squirrel: DRUGS!!!!!!


Scar: (hugs Donna) I'm in love with the smart one!


Donna: (hugs Scar) And I'm in love with the... Well, he's cute, right?


Party Squirrel: Smoke me baby one more time! (falls over)


Chapter Ten: Chucky's on Fire!

(Joe, David, Jane, Claudette, and the BIG Ass Crow are sitting in the living room)


Chucky: (comes out of cardboard box) RAR!


David: Bad living doll! Bad!


Chucky: Screw you!


Claudette: Rude fucking doll!


BIG Ass Crow: CAW! [translation: Go to hell! All of you!] (Shits on Chucky's head)


Chucky:You asshole! I'm gonna make chicken mcnuggets out of you!


BIG Ass Crow: Caw. Caw. Caw. [translation: Bring. It. On.]


            (Chucky and the crow get into a cat fight)


David: Bad crow! Sit! Stay! Don't eat the dolly! (hits the bird in the head with a shovel)


BIG Ass Crow: Caaaaaaawwwww. (falls over)


David: Chucky! You behave or burn in-


Joe: Hell?


David: No!


Jane: An Easy-Bake oven?




Chucky: Oh shit.


David: (flips off Chucky)




David: What?


Joe: I don't know.


David: (grabs Chucky by his overalls)


Chucky: Remember, David, buddy? Friends till the end, right?


David: This is the end, friend. (throws Chucky in the fire)


Chucky: 7 DAYS!!!!!!!


David: (pulls Chucky out of fireplace and sprays him with pepperspray) I hate you! (throws him back in the fire)


Chucky: Noooooooo! Nobody likes roasted doll!


Claudette: (roasting marshmallows using Chucky as the fire)


Joe: Who said anybody liked you to begin with?


(Scar and Donna come into the room)


Scar: Doll roasting. Cool.


Chucky: I WILL be back! (falls over)


Party Squirrel: (comes out of nowhere) Ding Dong the wicked bitch is dead! (falls over) I have a hangover.


Chapter Eleven: Samara Morgan


(Claudette is watching TV. The screen gets all staticey)


Claudette: What in the world? (turns off TV)


(TV comes back on. The well is on TV. An ugly little kid comes out of the well and comes through the TV screen)


Claudette: Hey! You! You're gettin' water all over the carpet! Get your ugly little orga ass over here and apologize! NOW! (kid thing hits Claudette in the head with a pumpkin) What's your problem?!


Samara: Come get some!


(Claudette and Samara get into a fight. Sheila comes into the room)


Sheila: CLAUDETTE!!!! Leave that ugly little orga thing alone!


Claudette: But she's the one who filmed that killer video tape!


Sheila: In that case... SPANK HER!!!!!!


Claudette: (spanks Samara with a belt)


Samara: Damn you!


Claudette: (Evil laugh)


Sheila: (throws Samara out the window) Stay out! You worthless piece of shit!


Samara: (lands in a dumpster) Damnmotherfuckin'damndangfuckin'......


Sheila: Claudette, I still hate you.


Claudette: I still hate you more!


BIG Ass Crow: (flies into room) CAW! (runs into a wall and falls in a trash can) Caw. [translation: Woe is me!]


Sheila: That thing is so stupid!


Chapter Twelve: Freddie's Visit

            (the doorbell rings. Scar answers it)

Scar: Hello? (sees Freddie Kruger) Hello, Mr. Kruger! Come in! Come in!

Freddie: (comes into the house) Is the Party Squirrel here?

Scar: (yells) Hey! P-Squirrel!

Party Squirrel: Coming! (trips over a bottle of beer) Hello!

Freddie: (picks up the Party Squirrel) You owe me $10!

Party Squirrel: Really?

Freddie: Yes!

            (Chucky comes out of the fireplace)

Chucky: (jumps on Freddie) DIE KRUGER! DIE!

Freddie: (stabs Chucky) That is one hard core doll!

Scar: (sighs) He's a Good Guy doll.

Freddie: Good Guy doll? Hey! I've always wanted one!

Chucky: Oh shit.

Freddie: Hey, Party Squirrel, give me the doll and I won't kill you!

Party Squirrel: Deal!

Freddie: Oh joy! (picks up Chucky)

Scar: Freddie, ya can stay here if ya want. But ya gotta share a room with... the crow.

BIG Ass Crow: CAW! (lands in a taco salad that is on the coffee table)

Freddie: That thing!?

Scar: Yessir!

Freddie: Ya mean, I've gotta stay in THAT ROOM, ALONE, WITH THAT BIG ASS CROW?!

Scar, Chucky, & Party Squirrel: Yeees.

BIG Ass Crow: CAW! (flies off with Freddie to the Crow's Nest)

Scar: FRED! You forgot your dolly! (holds up Chucky)

Chucky: Grr! (bites Scar in the nose)

Scar: SHIT! Damn doll! (drops Chucky)

Donna: (comes into room) EVIL DOLL FROM HELL! (hits Chucky in the head with a turkey baster)

Chucky: X.X (falls over)

Donna: If a turkey baster is THIS powerful, I wonder how powerful a MACHINE GUN is? (pulls machine gun out of her pocket)

Chucky, Scar, & Party Squirrel: NO! DON'T SHOOT!

            (gun fires, Chucky falls over dead)

Scar: DONNA! You killed Chucky!

Donna: I did?

Party Squirrel: (holds up doll corpse) He's really most sincerely dead.

Chucky: RAR! (bites Party Squirrel's tail)

Party Squirrel: Holy acorns! He's not dead!

Donna: Really?

Scar & Party Squirrel: YES!

Donna: Oh. (screams and hides in closet)

Scar: (raises eyebrows up and down) I'm comin' Donna! (goes into closet. He forgets to shut the door)

Scar & Donna: (start kissing)

Chucky: Get a room!

Scar: But I did!

Chucky: (slams door shut) Sick!

Party Squirrel: (singing) Get this party started! Right now! (dances)

Donna: (puts 'do not disturb' sign on closet door)

Chucky: 12 years old and has a boyfriend. What's this world comin' to?

Scar: (sticks head out of closet) Do you mind?

Party Squirrel: (singing) Scar had a girl!

                                    And Donna was her name!

Chucky: (singing) Donna! Donna! Donna! Donna!

            (Scar and Donna come out of the closet and beat the crap out of Chucky and the Party Squirrel)


Chapter Thirteen: DRACULA!

            (Scar, Donna, Party Squirrel, Chucky, Freddie, David, Sheila, Claudette, Joe, Jane, and the BIG Ass Crow are watching "Survivor: Haddonfield")

Claudette: (sees herself on TV) Hey, good lookin'!

Sheila: Be quiet! I'm the hot chick!

Jane: Both of you look like shit run over twice! I'm the sexy lady! That's why I'm the Gigolo!

Joe: Uh-Huh!

Donna: Scar Hens! You look so cute on TV!

Scar: (blushes) Aw, shucks.

Donna: Really, you look so handsome and strong on Survivor! (kisses Scar on the cheek)

Scar: I'm still in love! (falls off couch)

BIG Ass Crow: CAW!

Chucky: CAW!

BIG Ass Crow: CAW!

Chucky: CAW!

BIG Ass Crow: CAW! (pecks Chucky's eye out)

Chucky: (flips off BIG Ass Crow) Go to hell!

Joe: David, tell that damn bird to behave!

David: (puts the crow in the trash) Stupid-ass crow!

BIG Ass Crow: Caw.

Freddie: (picks up Chucky) Aw, the big bad bird pecked out the dolly's eye!

Chucky: Screw you!

Freddie: Someone forgot to take their happy pills! (puts hand in the air to smack Chucky, but instead smacks Jane in the ass)

Jane: DIE MOTHER FUCKER! (grabs Freddie's arm and flips him forward) Hi-ya!

David: Since when did you take karate lessons?

Jane: Last week.

David: Where?

Jane: Uh... Internet?

David: Works for me!

            (Dracula comes out of nowhere)

Dracula: Boo!

Everyone: (screams)

Dracula: (looks at the morons) I vhant to suck your blood! (grabs Chucky)

Chucky: Oh shit. (Gets bit by Dracula) CRAP!

Dracula: (throws Chucky at the Party Squirrel) Yuck! I hate burnt doll!

Party Squirrel: See? No one likes burnt doll!

Chucky: Aw crap! (grows fangs) Hey! I'm a vampire doll!

Everyone: (screams)

Dracula: I've created a VAMPIRE DOLL!

Chucky: I have bat-doll powers! (turns into a bat)

             (the Box Ghost from Danny Phantom comes out of nowhere)

Box Ghost: I AM THE BOX GHOST!!!!!!

Chucky: RAR!

Box Ghost: BEWARE!!!!!! (disappears)

Sheila: (sees Chucky) BAT! (hits Chucky with a stop sign)

Freddie: Chucky did it!

Sheila: Even worse! A  VAMPIRE DOLL! (hits Chucky again)

Dracula: (turns into a bat) TWO BATS!!!!

Sheila: (screams. Hits Chucky [again])

Chucky: Stop hitting me! (falls out of the air)

Donna: (Chucky lands on her head) BAT! There's a bat on my head! GET IT!

Scar: (hits Chucky and Donna with a frying pan)


Scar: But it was ON your HEAD!

Donna: Kill it! Kill it!

Scar: But it's on your head!

Donna: KILL IT!!!

Scar: (hits Donna and Chucky with the frying pan [again])

Donna: NOT ME!!!!!!!!! THE BAT!!!!!!!!

Scar: THEN YOU KILL IT!!!!!!!

Donna: FINE! GIMME THAT PAN! (hits herself in the head with a frying pan)

Chucky: (falls off of Donna's head) Shit.

Donna: (falls over) Gravy.

Dracula: Let me stay in this house! Or I vill suck your blood!

Joe: You can stay. Just don't turn into a bat during lunch.

Dracula: Oh joy!

David: You're staying in the Crow's Nest with Freddie and Chucky.

Dracula: Crap!

David: But the crow is cool!

Dracula: Really?

David: No, not really.

BIG Ass Crow: CAW! (pecks David in the head)

Freddie: Come on, Chucky. Turn back into a dolly.

 Chucky: Yes, Freddie. (changes back)


Chapter Fourteen: The Bride of Chucky

            (David, Claudette, Party Squirrel, and Chucky are in the kitchen)

Claudette: Chucky, for the thousandth time, no you can't have any beer!

Chucky: Then I want a wine cooler!

David: The Party Squirrel drank them all!

Party Squirrel: Uh huh!

Chucky: Dangit!

            (theres a knock at the door)


Chucky: You get it, bitch.

Claudette: (throws Chucky into the living room) Stupid doll.

Chucky: Stupid mecha. (answers door) Tiffany?

Tiffany: (Chucky's bride) Chucky you idiot! You left me and Glen to die in that fuckin' graveyard!


Glen: Yeah!


Chucky: Who the hell's Glen?


Tiffany: Your son!


Chucky: Really?


Tiffany & Glen: (start beating Chucky with fly swatters)


Chucky: X.X (falls over)


David: (comes into the living room) Claudette! There is 2 more living dolls in the living room!


Claudette: (off camera) Well, throw them in the trash!


David: Okay. (picks up Tiffany and Glen)


Tiffany: What the fuck!? Put me down!


Glen: Put me down, you moron!


David: (puts the dolls in the trash)


Glen: Hey! What gives?!


Chapter Fifteen: Doll Bites


            (Sheila, Claudette, Joe, Jane, Scar, Donna, Party Squirrel & the living dolls are in the living room)


Scar: Tiffany, you scare me!


Tiffany: Well, you can kiss my shiny plastic ass!


Scar: No thanks!


Chucky: (bites Scar in the arm)


Scar: Holy chickens! Get it off me!


Chucky: (quits biting Scar) I hate terminator flavor! (spits in Sheila's face)


Sheila: Ew! Doll spit! (punches Chucky in the face)


Donna: David, I thought you said that Good Guy dolls don't bite!


David: (comes into room) He's not a Good Guy anymore! He's a Freak of Nature!


Chucky: NO I'M NOT! I'm a murderer.


Sheila: Same damn thing!


Tiffany: No it's not!


Sheila: Yes it is!


Glen: No it's not!


Sheila: YES IT IS!!!!


Chucky, Tiffany, & Glen: IS NOT!


            (the living dolls beat up Sheila)


Sheila: (gets bit by dolls) DOLL BITES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Scar: Eew. Doll bites. (Chucky bites him) CRAP!!!!!


Claudette: LOOK at Sheila! (points and laughs)


Joe: I'm surrounded by idiots.


Donna: Dolls are weird.


Scar: And mean.


Party Squirrel: And stupid! (gets bit by Glen)


Glen: (evil laugh)


Tiffany: (beats Glen in the head with a shoe)


Glen: What'd I do?


Tiffany: Don't eat that squirrel! He's on drugs!


Glen: Oh... Okay!


Scar: Buttered toast.


Donna: Scar's so cute when he's mental!


Chapter Sixteen: Party Squirrel's Brain


            (David, Joe, Scar, Donna, Claudette, Freddie, the dolls, & the Party Squirrel are in the living room)


Party Squirrel: Drugs...


Freddie: (drinks beer)


Scar: Chickens.


Donna: (gives Scar his mental helmet) Scar, you forgot to wear your mental helmet this morning.


Scar: Monkeys.


Joe: This is weird. (There's a knock at the door)


            (David goes to get the door)


David: (opens door. Hannibal Lector and Reverand Henry Kane are there) IT'S THE MAN! THE UGLY MAN!!!!!!!!!


Joe: What?!




Hannibal Lector: Hi.


David: (screams and passes out)


BIG Ass Crow: (comes into the room) CAW! (flies off with David)


Joe: Who the hell are you two?


Hannibal Lector: I'm Hannibal Lector and this is Reverand Henry Kane.


Kane: Let me in the house! (punches hand through glass door)


Joe: Way to go, moron! This door costs David $5! And you broke it!


Kane: You are all gonna die!


Hannibal Lector: (gives Kane a knife) Go find the Party Squirrel.


Kane: Yes, Master. (goes into the house)


Joe: Hey! I didn't tell you you could come in!


Kane: Fuck off, mecha.


Joe: Rude dead guy.


Hannibal Lector: (follows Kane into the house)


Kane: (grabs Party Squirrel) Hello, Mr. Squirrel!


Party Squirrel: He's my dad! I'm Party Squirrel!


Kane: (cuts the top of Party Squirrel's head and pulls it off)


Hannibal Lector: What the fuck?


            (There is a dancing mini-squirrel in Party Squirrel's head)


Squirrel in Party Squirrel's head: Yo! Acorn Kyle in da house!


Kane: O.O


Acorn Kyle: This is his brains on drugs! Heeeeeee!


Claudette: Oh my God! Party Squirrel!


Party Squirrel: (looks at Acorn Kyle who just jumped out of his head) Acorn Kyle's in da house!


Acorn Kyle: Yo! Whassup, P-Squirrel?!


Party Squirrel: I'm in da house!


Acorn Kyle: P-Squirrel, you're on drugs! What you been smokin'?


Party Squirrel: I been smokin' weed, brother!


Acorn Kyle: What's cooler 'n cool?


Party Squirrel: ICE COLD!!!!


Acorn Kyle: You the shiznit, P-Squirrel!


Party Squirrel: Yeah! You got the new CD, A Hip-Hop Christmas?


Acorn Kyle: Hell yeah! Hip Hop's da shiznit, brother!


Scar & Donna; What the-?


Party Squirrel: Acorn Kyle in da house!


Acorn Kyle & Party Squirrel: How come?

                                          We don't even talk no more!

                                          And you don't even call no more!

                                          We don't really keep in touch at all!

                                         And I don't even feel the same love that we are no more!


Hannibal Lector: (puts Acorn Kyle back in Party Squirrel's head and super glues his head shut)


Joe: That was really wierd.


David: Acorn Kyle is wierd!


Claudette: (hugs Party Squirrel) Party Squirrel! Are you alright?


Party Squirrel: Hell yeah!


Chapter Seventeen: The Other Side


            (Jane, Donna, Scar, David, & Joe are walking in the hallway)


David: The ghosts want me to lead them into the light!


Scar: Fuck the ghosts.


            (The floor collapses)


Donna: WHAT'S HAPPENING?! (lands on Scar)


Scar: Yeah!


Donna: (slaps Scar in the face)


            (The mechas are in an underground cave full of skeletons)


Joe: Holy shit.


David: (hugs Jane) Jane, I'm scared!


Jane: You don't have to look at the bones if you don't want to.


David: It's okay, the bones are just dead.


Scar: I see dead people.


Donna: Scar! It's not funny!


Scar: But I do see dead people!


David: Kane was a ghost. He's really in here on a giant rock.


Jane: They're all dying here! Reaching out for help that will never come! All because they worship him! (points to Kane's skeleton)


Kane: (off camera) Cooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmme with meeeeeee!!!!!!!!

            (Jane, David, & Donna disappear)


Joe: JANE!!!!!!!!


Scar: DONNA!!!!!!!


Jane: (off camera) Joe? Where are you?!


Donna: (off camera) Scar? You get your little mecha ass to the other side and save me!!!!


David: (off camera) Joe! Help us!


Scar: (hyperventilating)


David: I'm afraid of the light, Joe! I'm afraid of the light!


Scar: Don't go into the light! It's dangerous! Don't go near it, dammit!


David: HELP!!!!!!


Joe: PARTY SQUIRREL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs into another room in the cave, where the Party Squirrel is playing his new CD)


Party Squirrel: Until I got high! Until I got high! Until I got high!!!!


Joe: Party Squirrel! Where's my family?!


Party Squirrel: Oh, yeah. One minute... (makes campfire and lights a ciggerette with it) They have crossed over to the other side. They're in between dimensions. Joe, this is the party you've been waiting for all your life.


            (an image of Donna falling off of a cliff comes out of the fire)


Donna: (hits tree branch sticking out of the side of the cliff) Oh shit. (falls off tree branch)


            (an image of Jane being attacked by worms is in the fire now)


Jane: Stupid worms! JOE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!


            (an image of David being pecked by chickens is in the fire now)


David: Joe! Help!


Chickens: COCK-A-DOODLE-DIE!!!!!!!!


Party Squirrel: These are illusions! The entrance to the other side is through the fire! Into the fire! NOW!


            (Joe & Scar go into the fire)


            [Scar & Joe are hanging onto eachother floating in a different dimension. Jane, Donna, and David are in the middle of the dimension]


Jane: Joe! Help!


            [Joe & Scar go over to Jane, Donna, & David and hang onto them. Kane in the form of a beast falls out of the sky and grabs David]

Jane: No! Don't go David! NO!


Kane: (evil laugh)


David: Help! (gets turned into a chicken man)


Joe: NO!!!!!!!!


Party Squirrel: (off camera) Joe, take my ciggerette! (throws ciggerette into the fire)


Joe: (catches ciggerette. Looks at Kane) You're terminated, fucker! (throws ciggerette at Kane. David turns back to normal)


Kane: (screams and starts falling)


Jane: (grabs David) Thank God!


Donna & Scar: (start kissing)


(Scar, Donna, David, Jane, & Joe are back in the cave with the Party Squirrel)


Party Squirrel: Some party, eh Joe?


Joe: Some party.


Chapter Eighteen: The House Implodes


(Joe, Jane, David, Scar, Donna, Claudette, Sheila, BIG Ass Crow, & Party Squirrel are in the living room of the house saying good-bye to Freddie, Dracula, Chucky, Tiffany, Glen, & Hannibal Lector)


David: Bye, stupid freaks!


Chucky: Bye, retarded mechas!


BIG Ass Crow: CAW!


Joe: You freaks are not welcome back here! Ever!


            (The horror movie freaks leave. The house starts to shake)


Scar: What the fuck?


Jane: It's not tornado season is it?


Joe: No.


Claudette: (grabs Party Squirrel and pets him)


            (The house starts to collapse)


Joe: TO THE GARAGE!!!!!!!!!!!


Donna: What's happening? What's happening? WHAT'S HAPPENING???!!!!!! WHAT IS IT!? WHAT IS IT?!!!!!


Scar: (grabs Donna and leads her to the garage)


            (Everyone gets in the car and drives off to Haddonfield)


Joe: Is everyone alright?


David: Yeah.


Scar: Uh huh. (kisses Donna)


Jane: We missing anyone?


Sheila: (running behind the car) HELP!!!! DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!!!!!


David: THE HOUSE IS COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!


Claudette: Drive away, Joe! Drive away!


Party Squirrel: DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!


Joe: (stops car) Get in, you crazy bitch! (grabs Sheila and throws her in the back seat)


            (The house blows up and disappears)


David: I have a confession to make.


Party Squirrel: (jumps on Jane's lap) Party Power! (pees on Jane)


Jane: He's peeing on me!!!!!!!


Joe: Party Squirrel! Quit urinating on Jane! I thought you went before we left! (throws Party Squirrel in the back seat)


Party Squirrel: Maybe...


Jane: So, David, what were you saying?


David: I see dumb people. They don't know they're dumb.


Everyone: (looks at Scar)


Scar: What?


Donna: You forgot to wear your mental helmet again, didn't you?


Scar: Yes.


Chicken Person: (off camera) And they all drove away to Haddonfield. THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!