THE STUPID SEQUEL
Prologue
Chicken Person: (standing in a dark room behind a microphone) Is this thing on?
Camera Man: Yes.
Chicken Person: Okay, this is the STUPID SEQUEL to "Survivor: Haddonfield". It is a "Scary Movie"
parody with an "A.I." twist to it! Basically, the "A.I." characters which include David, Joe, Sheila, and Claudette (the mecha
nanny), along with my own characters, such as: Scar Hens, Donna Garner, Dr. Stupid, The Party Squirrel, & The BIG Ass
Crow, are lucky enough to be the center of attention of everyone's favorite horror movie dudes! Like Samara Morgan (The Ring),
Reverend Kane (Poltergeist), Freddie Kruger (Nightmare on Elm Street, Freddie vs. Jason), Chucky (Child's Play), his wife,
Tiffany (The Bride of Chucky), & a scene at the Pet Sematary (Pet Sematary 1 &2)! Have a creepy good time readin'
this fanfic! If ya'll are wondering, "Survivor: Haddonfield" is the first fic in a series I'm writing called... uh... I forget
what it was called.
Scar Hens: (appears out of nowhere) It's called A Series of Insane Fanfics.
Chicken Person: Riiiiight. Party Squirrel, show the nice readers the disclaimer.
Party Squirrel: Okay. (holds up sign that says: Chicken Person doesn't own anything except Scar
Hens, Donna Garner, Dr. Stupid, the BIG Ass Crow, & the Party Squirrel)
Section One: Poltergeist Chapter
One: Welcome to the Mecha House
(A BIG Ass Crow is flying around a house looking
for junkfood and/or booze.)
BIG Ass Crow: Caw. (goes into a room that has a sign on the door saying "Keep Out". A 12 year-old
mecha child is sleeping on the bed, holding a bag of Potato Chips)
Donna: (falls off of bed) Shit! I was just about to win that $8,000! (scratches head) I'm tired.
(goes back to sleep. B.A.C. comes over to her and gets bag of potato chips stuck on his head.)
Scar: (off camera) Uh huh. That's what Davy did with the $10,000 he won from being the Survivor.
The lucky bastard bought us all a house. By us, I mean myself, my hot girlfriend Donna, Joe, and the fighting assholes called
Sheila & Claudette. Davy also bought a big crow & a drunk squirrel from PetsMart. I don't know why Chicken Person
didn't let me be a castaway last time. Maybe it's cuz I was high all the way through "Survivor: Haddonfield". Oh well. On
with the show!
B.A.C: CAW! (gets bag off of head) Damn mother fuckin' damn bag. (goes out to hallway. goes into
another room. there is another mecha child sleeping on the bed. The crow doesn't see anything of his interest in the room,
so he goes across the hallway to his nest.)
Scar: (wakes up. Sees feathers on the carpet) Damn crow! I thought I told him not to come in here!
(goes back to sleep)
(David wakes up, goes out of his room, and downstairs)
David: (walks up to TV that is on, making that staticey noise) Eleven. I don't know. Yes! I don't
know. (yelling) Speak louder! Speak louder I can't hear you!
(Joe, Jane, Claudette, Sheila, Scar, & Donna come downstairs)
Scar, Donna, & Claudette: O.o
NEXT DAY
(Dr. Stupid is riding his tricycle down the street. He is carrying beer.)
Dr. Stupid: Meatloaf! Meatloaf! We all love Meatloaf Crunch! Meatloaf! Meatloaf! We all love Meatloaf
Crunch! (some little kids with a remote control car make the car go in front of Dr. Stupid's tricycle) SHIT! (wrecks into
a tree. beer cans explode)
Little Kids: (laughing and pointing at Dr. Stupid)
(Dr. Stupid goes into David's house carrying the blown up cans of beer. Claudette & Sheila are fighting over buttered
toast. Donna is raiding the fridge.)
Donna: (Dr. Stupid runs past her into the living room) Holy shit! What are you doing?!
Claudette: My buttered toast! (trying to rip piece of buttered toast away from Sheila)
Sheila: Mine!
Claudette: Mine!
Sheila: Mine! Mine! Mine!
Claudette: Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!
Sheila: MINE!
Claudette: MINE MINE!
Sheila: MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!
Claudette: Mine infinity!
Both: MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(toast rips in half. both stare at eachother. Then get into a cat fight)
Donna: Get a life. Both of you.
(Joe, Scar, the Party Squirrel, the BIG Ass Crow, Gigolo Jane, Professor Hobby, & the Welder Mecha named Rodent
Rob are watching Football in the living room. Dr. Stupid comes in)
Dr. Stupid: Sorry I'm am late! (sets beer on the table)
Joe: Come on Packers!
Scar: Go Broncos! Go!
Rodent Rob: Dammit Winston! Can't you do anything right?!
Dr. Stupid: DON'T CALL ME WINTSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Professor Hobby: (All of a sudden, Teletubbies comes on TV) What the fuck is this?
Scar: (kicks TV) I wanna watch football! Not some lame-ass kids show!
Jane: (finds remote and switches the channel back to football) Okay there's the game! (Teletubbies
comes back on TV) SHIT!
B.A.C: CAW! (translation: Who the fuck are these crazay mutha fuckas?)
Party Squirrel: Aw, nuts!
Rodent Rob: Come on! I bet my welding arm on this game!
Joe: It's the neighbors. They have the same remote as we do! (goes outback)
(Lord Johnson-Johnson comes out of the house next door)
Lord Johnson-Johnson: What is going on, mecha?
Joe: Good question, I was just gonna ask you! Me 'n my buddies wanna watch football, but them gay
ass teletubbies keep taking over the idiot box!
Lord Johnson-Johnson: Well, I wanna watch Teletubbies!
Joe: (scared look on face) Get the hell away from me! (changes Lord J-J's tv channel to the football
game. Lord J-J changes Joe's tv channel to the gay helletubbies. Joe changes both tv channels to football. then smashes Lord
J-J's remote)
Lord Johnson-Johnson: O.O How DARE you! I'm moving! (moving van comes and takes him away)
Section One Chapter Two: Saying Goodnight
to the Inhabitants of the House
(that night, Joe & Jane are talking about David's
behavior. It is storming outside)
Jane: David's been actin' really wierd lately.
Joe: I know, it's like he's high or something!
Jane: Maybe it was a bad idea for us to let him buy that Party Squirrel.
Joe: (nods)
(David is in his room scared of the storm)
David: I hate storms. I wish I could buy the weather with my money. (lightining strikes) HOLY CRAP!
(runs out of his room and into Joe's and Jane's room)
Joe: (looks at Jane) I love you!
Jane: (looks at Joe) I love you!
David: (comes in) I'm afraid of the storm, Joe!
Joe: Huh?
David: I'm afraid of the storm!
Joe: Okay, well, uh... start countin' when you see some lightning. When you hear the thunder stop.
Each time you can count higher, that means the storms goin' away.
David: Okay. (B.A.C comes in and flies right into the wall)
BIG Ass Crow: CAW! CAW! CAW!
Joe: (grabs the Crow and throws him in the trash)
B.A.C: Caw?
Joe: David, I have had it with that damn bird! If you don't teach it to stay in his nest, he's goin'
to the Pet Sematary!
David: The what?
Joe: The Pet Sematary!
David: Riiight. The Pet Sematary. You know, the Pet Sematary! We were all there! Ooh! And Biggy
was there too! Oh, good times. Good times.
Jane: Who the hell's Biggy?
David: The BIG Ass crow! I named him Biggy! (picks up B.A.C out of the trash)
B.A.C: CAW! (pecks David in the head)
David: Ow! Bad crow! Bad! (puts BIG Ass Crow back in the trash)
Jane: No! Nonononono! Not in our room! (takes the crow out of the trash [again] and throws him in
the hallway)
B.A.C: CAW! (translation: No respect. No respect at all!)(goes into nest)
Joe: (picks up David and takes him to his room. puts David on his bed) Good-night, David.
David: Good-night Joe. (Joe leaves)
(Joe is walking down the hallway, he opens Sheila's bedroom door)
Sheila: Oh shit! (hides phone under blankets)
Joe: 'Night, Sheila. (closes door)
Sheila: 'Night, Joe.
Joe: (opens door [again]) Sheila get off the damn phone. (closes door)
Sheila: (flips off Joe before he shuts the door)
Joe: (opens door [again]) I saw that, Bitch. If you don't get off the phone, I'll have the BIG Ass
Crow in here!
Sheila: (puts away phone and shuts up)
Joe: (closes door. opens door to Scar's room. Scar, Donna, Claudette, & The Party Squirrel are
playing spin the bottle) Good-night.
Party Squirrel: Drugs...
Joe: Claudette, Donna, and Party Squirrel! Don't play spin the bottle without the BIG Ass Crow!
Wait, where's Scar and Donna? (goes into room. opens closet)
Scar: (holding Donna and kissing her)
Joe: Love a duck!
Scar: (looks up. Drops Donna on her head)
Donna: SHIT! Who the hell opened the door?!
Joe: You two, no making out in the closet!
Scar: But... but...
Joe: Scar Hens!
Scar: THE PARTY SQUIRREL MADE US DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(starts crying like a little baby)
Donna: IT WAS THE SQUIRREL'S IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (starts crying like Scar)
Joe: Both of you are to clean up after the BIG Ass Crow for a month!
Scar & Donna: Not the crow!
Joe: Oh, yes. (remembers Claudette is in the room) Claudette! What kind of nanny are you?! Letting
two teenagers make out in a closet!?
Claudette: But I figured they'd like it!
Joe: Wanna hear a knock-knock joke?
Claudette: YEAH!!!!!!!!!! Claudette like joke!
Joe: Knock-Knock!
Claudette: WHO'S THERE?!!!!!
Joe: Party Squirrel!
Claudette: PARTY SQUIRREL WHO?!!!
Joe: I'm gonna hitchu upside the head wit' da Party Squirrel!
Claudette: Huh?
Joe: (picks up the Party Squirrel and hits Claudette in the head with him)
Claudette: Good un!
Scar: Cool!
Party Squirrel: Not cool!
Joe: (leaves. goes to his room)
Scar: He's gone!
Donna: Cool!
Claudette: Tell me a knock knock joke!
Party Squirrel: Screw you!
Claudette: Why?
Party Squirrel: Doh! (hits himself in the head with a bottle of beer. looks at beer bottle) Is this
Coors light? It is! (drinks. passes out)
Claudette: (grabs bottle from the squirrel) Aw man! He drank it all! (looks at Scar and Donna) You
two! Make out session, now!
Scar & Donna: (start kissing [again])
